Pensieri Avventurosi - Adventurous Thoughts

my last post was in anger

2011-08-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

The last post that I wrote was in anger and hurt. I thought about deleting the post. But I want it to serve as a marker for the way that I never want to feel again.

I spent some time this evening with my ex-husband and we cleared the air. We went over so many things that we should have went over when we were married. But we were just too polite to one another. Never wanted to hurt each other's feelings. But in the end we wound up hurting each other even more than we ever thought we could.

I love my ex-husband. I want us to be friends and to have a friendship that will last a lifetime. I know that this is possible.

I read his "hurt locker", a collection of sticky notes and ramblings on blank pieces of paper. I read the hurt, the anger the questions that have been unanswered for so long. I felt the pain in each word that was written.

Tears were exchanged and understanding was reached. We love each other. We want the best for each other and we will always have a connection that will last forever.

He was not just my husband, he was a father-figure in my life. My mentor and my one great images of what a man should be. He was a positive male role model in my life that I had never had before. And I appreciate all the time, effort and energy he has and still puts into me to this day.

Hi love for me never falters, even if there is pain and hurt, he still loves.

I am truly blessed to have him in my life. And I am deeply sorry for the things that I have done that have hurt him. I know that just saying sorry won't ever fix the wrongs I have done.

I am selfish, and self-obsessed and a lot of other horrible qualities. Things that I must fix before I decide to bring a child into this world. I have to become more open to more possibilities and have more faith in people.

I can start by having faith that him and I can mend this chasm that has come between us. I'm not saying that we are getting back together as a couple. I am saying that I want to continue to have him in my life. I want to give more back to our friendship. This is going to take time. But I have time.

I don't want to finally reach the point where I am ready and he is gone for good. I don't want to live in regret and anger and hurt any longer.

We can move past this, him and I.

I am sorry for the things that I wrote in the last blog. They are hurtful and mean spirited and just plain awful. They were how I was feeling today. And after today that feeling should never have the opportunity to come into my life to haunt me again. I am letting it go. I am moving forward with him into a lasting friendship.

We burned the "hurt locker" on top of my beloved cat's grave. Watched as it went up in flames and the smoke rose to the black night peppered with stars above. It was a cathartic and healing experience to see the pain being burned away.

Goodnight honey, I do love you and always will.

Let me be

2011-08-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

It always seem to go the same way. We start to talk, my ex-husband and I, and it progressively devolves into the same conversation. My feeling like I was being held back from living a life when I was married to him. Him telling me that the marriage wasn't perfect for him either. My telling him that I tried the best way that I could to tell him that it wasn't working, something was missing and I was feeling lonely. Him saying that I didn't say the right thing. What I should have said was "I'm going to divorce you if you don't do x." My thinking that I shouldn't have to threaten divorce to get what I want. What a cheap low blow to get what I want. Him saying that I am a selfish person who only thinks of myself and what I can get. My thinking that he relies only on me for everything, his friend, his finding other friends, his emotional needs, his social needs, his every fucking need. My feeling suffocated by having to play the role of God for someone. Just let me be.

Him saying that he was there for me when I needed someone to be my everything when I was 18. My thinking that I was 18! I was a baby, how the fuck am I supposed to go out into the world and not need anyone at 18? How I was so ill-prepared for my life because of my background. He was offering and I took. I'm a different person from when I was 18. I think everyone changes from the time that they are 18. I've changed so many different times as I've grown. And he's always been the same, which is a comfort, but a bore at the same time. He said that I didn't give him the opportunity to grow with me, I said that every time I offered he dug his heels in and I would have to drag him kicking and screaming. What the fuck kind of life is that? After a while I just stopped trying. Why try when you know what the outcome is going to be. Kicking and screaming, dragging, complaining, moaning and bitching, getting there and actually having a good time then bitching on the way home all the other things that we could have been doing at FUCKING HOME! ALONE! And ending the night with my crying overtly in front of you as you tell me how we wasted time of people who weren't worthy, or my crying myself to sleep because I just didn't want to get into it. Or crying because I wished I was anywhere but here, alone, with no one but you who wanted no one, ever. Who wants to live life just holed up in a house and fucking die on the vine?

I answer his questions the best way that I know how, I am careful with the words that I choose at first so as not to hurt feelings or seem callous. His asking the same fucking question again and again and the only reason why is because he is not getting the answer that he wants. Isn't this the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

He thinks this is a phase. That this is my doing all the things that I wanted to do when I was in my twenties, and yes that is part of it. But the other part is wanting freedom. Not being controlled and made to feel bad for wanting a social life, for wanting other people to share my life with. For my not wanting to have you be my EVERYTHING. I don't want a co-dependent relationship. I don't want a relationship. I don't want the confines of someone telling me what I can and can't do. I want my freedom.

My knowing what he wants out of our friendship...he wants us to be together again eventually. I don't want that. I don't want to throw away fifteen years of being with someone, but I also don't want to fall back into the same pattern that relationship had to offer me. He says he's changed. He's going out, he's trying to connect with people. He says it's harder for him because he's a man, and easier for me because I'm a young attractive girl with tits. Somehow tits always factor in it seems.

Why don't you introduce me to your friends? he asks. Because I want to keep my past life and my present life separate. My question is why don't you go out and make new friends? Establish new bonds with new people, and why do I have to help you with this? I don't know how to help you.

And then he hits me with the things that he knows will make me cry. "I feel like you've evolved into something that you think is better than me...that I'm not worthy of your presence...that I'm not deserving of you or your time." And it makes me die when he says these things. And I die further when he gives me unconditional love, when he...is the way he is. So loving and kind and considerate and fuck, I feel so mind fucked right now. He's so sweet on one hand and makes me cry and die on another. I feel strangled by him and supported by him at the same time.

I'm not better than you or anyone. I'm not trying to keep my life from you. But the things that I do you may not agree with, you may find hurtful, you may take personal offense to. You just simply shouldn't hear them. Why would you want to hear about my kissing another, my sexual life with another? My time spent with another, my living a life that doesn't include you?

Tonight is the night. Ask your questions. I'll give you your answers and that is it. We are done. Never to revisit this again. And if it is brought up you can bet your sweet ass that I will walk out the room and leave. Whenever and wherever. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of being drug through the flames and leaving your house crying and barely able to catch my breath and then the next day your texts that "it really helped you a lot." Fuck you. Watching me choke on tears.

My anger is palpable right now.

I left you, I cheated on you, I started and am living a new life. I have an active social life, I date people, I fuck, I live, I enjoy. I no longer feel trapped inside a beautiful house at the end of a dead end lane where no one is able to come visit because it's terribly awkward and I can't make them feel welcome. Where visiting hours for my friends are when you are at work, because the moment you get home no one else is allowed. This lonely island where you and I are the only inhabitants besides animals that cannot speak. I got off the island. That isn't the kind of relationship that I want. I am so turned off by relationships, by together forever, by till death do us part, by he is my one and only, by feeling trapped and alone.

I want my life to blossom. I want to live with selfishness, to fulfill what I want. To have my voice heard when I want something.

You said our marriage was all about me, how whatever I wanted you did: get engaged, get married, buy houses, have jobs. Are you saying that you wouldn't have wanted any of this unless I wanted it? And why didn't you speak up if you said your needs weren't being met? Why didn't you tell me? I tried to tell you, but you would promptly tell me that wasn't the way that I felt. That I was happy, I didn't know what I was talking about, and I didn't know what I wanted. That we had a magical relationship because we never fought. How we were so in love. That kind of love hurts, is lonely, and leaves me wanting anything but love.

You say that the deal is still "on". The deal of me finishing school and becoming a nurse and then taking care of you. You say that you invested time and money into me to become this, to take care of you. What kind of life does that leave for me? Going to school socially isolated and alone, listening to others tell stories of how they went out and did things and compare it to how I sat at home and watched movies sharing a fucking blood supply with a goddamn couch. How some weekends I wouldn't even see the light of day. Becoming a nurse and taking care of sick people every day and then coming home to take care of another sick person until he dies and leaves me alone with no one and nothing but an empty house filled with memories. You're saying that I can do whatever I want after you die. My thinking that I can't waste these years that I have now waiting. I'm tired of waiting. I'm not waiting any longer.

My wanting to have a baby, raise a child, not necessarily with anyone else, or with the notion of a white-picket fence dream. I don't need a man to help me raise a child. And if it comes to it, the only thing I will need a man for is a sperm donation. I don't want to be controlled and held back. I want the weight of a baby in my arms, the joy that that child would bring into my life. You say that you wish that we could have children together, that you would be a good father. You complain and bitch and moan and are negative, why do I want to raise a child in that atmosphere. You would make comments on how ugly women were when they are pregnant, how it totally ruins their bodies and leaves them with nothing left to offer. Why do I want to be pregnant with someone who would think I was disgusting to look at and not in the prime of my beauty? To look at me with more love after giving birth to your child and cherish my body for giving you that gift rather than look upon me with disgust as to how it changed my body. And further why do I want to have a child with someone who is not capable of physically keeping up with the demands of a child? Or not want to have a social life, or is so un-trusting that no one else can come into that child's life?

Toward the end I felt strangled and estranged from all of my friends, loved ones, even myself. I was living a lie and felt I would rather die than live like that any longer.

My affair was my perfect storm, he gave me the push that I needed to change. And change was scary, and this affair was there for me for a while. And shit fell apart.

But now I'm free! And some days I feel so light and carefree and happy that I simply could just float away. Like anything is possible and I control my own destiny.

And when I'm around you I feel like I am tethered to the Earth with a lead balloon. That you keep pulling on the chain that is attached and dragging me back down to where you are. Wanting me to take you with me when you're wearing concrete shoes. I can't soar in this life with the weight that you put on me.

I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I fucked up, I'm sorry for all of it.

After tonight it's done. I'm done. I will live my life and you will not hold me back or down or keep me from what I want. Yes, I am selfish and self-centered. Maybe you should take a page from my book and take what you want from life when you live life with your arms open and a smile on your face instead of waiting for life to come to you.

And if you read this and get bent out of shape and pissed off it's your fault for reading it. So keep it to yourself. This is MY blog and I'll write what I damn well please.

I can't wait to live tomorrow, it has to be better than today.

Like a ghost

2011-06-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

Here I am sitting in my old kitchen of my old house I used to live in. And I feel like I am haunting it. I look around and it is a shrine to me.

The salsa that I bought before I left is still in the fridge unopened. The soda that I drink is still there with a few missing. Everything that we built together is in this house. Our hopes and dreams for the future, our promises to each other, the love that we had for one another. All is still here.

I've been really sick lately. The kind of sick where it hurts to breathe and when you do breathe it's tiny little shallow breaths so you don't wake the cough monster that now lives inside your chest. When the cough monster does show up, it takes your breath totally away. And before you know it tears are rolling out of your eyes and you're gasping for air and none is coming in and fear sets in. My inhaler sometimes calms the bronchospasms, but sometimes doesn't.

That was Wednesday night for me, all night coughing and gasping for air in my apartment.

Out of my being stubborn I have avoided the doctor. Mainly because I think doctors don't really do a whole lot. The only thing they do that I can't do is write a prescription. Other than that they are kind of useless. I'm hoping one day to meet a doctor who is intelligent, uses their intelligence and furthermore at least pretends like they want to be a doctor instead of outwardly loathing their position. Okay! Done with my rant on doctors. But you can see that I avoid them.

My ex-husband knows all of this, stubborn and hates doctors, and he knows the magic words to get me to go to the doctor. So we went on Thursday morning and I got my drugs; and because I feel safe around him and know that he can take care of me I am here in our old house.

I feel bad for the way that I left. Especially since it didn't work out with the man I fell in love with to leave my husband for. But I don't regret what I did, because it was exactly what I wanted at the time. And I needed something different, and my ex-boy was that something different. I did love him, and there is still some love in me for him. But I have always loved my ex-husband. And I will always love him. His love is never ending, it is constant and never falters. I never question whether I am loved by him or not.

I need this time for myself. This time away from marriage. This time to view life with different eyes and live life. I felt dead before, or like I was dying. I felt like I was watching life as a spectator and never involved in the actual doing of life. And now it feels like I am. And it feels good. And I feel sometimes that this is selfish of me, but if I were to come back to my ex-husband I feel like I wouldn't be living true.

I am honest with him when I tell him that I don't know if we will ever be together again. But I am also honest with him when I tell him that he will always be an active part of my life. If I find another relationship to be in, that man will have to understand that I won't abandon my ex-husband and cut him out of my life.

I can only begin to understand the amount of pain I have caused my ex-husband in my actions. And when I look back on the past between the two of us I see a lot of good times. But I also don't look through rose colored glasses. I can still feel the pain I felt when I was here, the longing to live another life.

Here is one of many apologies: I am sorry that I haunt your house and everything inside of you. I do love you, more than anything or anyone in my life. And you have done more for me than anyone could ever think to do, and you do it naturally. I'm so sorry for causing you pain. And I've told you these things a hundred times in person, but I know you read this every time I post and maybe now that it's in black and white the words will come as comfort for you when you feel lonely.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

Today would be 13 years of marriage, 15 years of being together as a couple. Here's to another 15 years of us being friends and confidants.

Pussy power: a lesson from D

2011-06-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

I've learned about the power of pussy from a man. Yes, from a man.
Case in point here is an example:

One night a while ago I made out (just a little) with a guy that I met in a bar in the driver seat of his Dodge Challenger rental car. It was polished black with black rims, 6 banger so not much for power, but fun. He invited me to the backseat but I declined. And I was lucky that he was a gentleman. I let him kiss my cheek and feel my thigh, but nothing higher than that. His hands explored my body and I recoiled at first. It felt so foreign and wrong for another man to touch me. I was attracted to him, but at the same time felt guilt in the pleasure. Then he looked at me and said "When was the last time you just made out with a guy to make out with a guy?" And gosh, I couldn't answer. I'd always made out with a guy for a purpose in mind. So then I kissed him, with abandoned I kissed him. And I let his hands wander, but not far. And he was good at reading my body, as to where he was allowed and where he wasn't.

Just a sprinkling will do at first. When you give it all at once, there's nothing left to give. And if you do give it, it has to be to someone who has earned it, deserves it and is worthy of it. Because this pussy is golden, better yet, platinum. It has heightened my self-awareness, and my self esteem. This is what led me to the year of celibacy. Sitting at the dinner table of my ex-boys house eating pizza and drinking crush while he was away on business in Idaho. The thought occurred to me that just because he's my boyfriend doesn't give him pussy rights. He has to earn them.
And he didn't.
But that's another story.

This man in question the self proclaimed "pussy whisperer" (that's a joke!) is one of my very best friends. He can walk the line between female and male so delicately. When he is female he is fierce and strikingly beautiful, delicate features and a small frame make him what's called "fishy". He can pass, easily.

When we hang out together we can share time so easily. We fit each other as friends. He's opened my world, taught me things I wouldn't have otherwise known and broadened my horizons. He is wise beyond his years. It's a refreshing feeling in a friendship when you can shed the teacher role and be the student.

I have learned the power of what it is to be a woman from him. He has taught me to have more mystery, be a little more reserved, hold a man's attention. Above all demand respect. It's hard to explain exactly what he has done, and how he has taught me.

I love him, my friend, my confidant, my teacher. Thanks for your friendship. You're helping me become the woman I want to be.

Benadryl and Robitussin induced thoughts

2011-06-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today is the day for a lot of writing to happen. A creative buzz is flowing through my veins, that could also be the Benadryl and Robitussin.

I have been sick in bed for a couple of days now. My body is exhausted, sleep comes and goes; I allow it to take me under. My ear feels like it's being stabbed with a crochet hook. My eyes are heavy from Benadryl and Robitussin. But my mind is awake. And wandering to distant corners of my own little galaxy.

I was just surfing through various blogs, at the top of the screen you can hit "next blog" and it will take you to another random blog. I like to do this from time to time to see what others are blogging about. Some of it is mundane, as I'm sure when some people read this they think it's garbage as well. It's fun though the roulette of it. Sometimes you find a gem!

I've been thinking a lot about what I've been through in the past six months. I can't believe that all of this has happened so quickly. When I look back I see it blurry mostly, but some of the memories are crisp.

A song came on my Pandora today that reminded me of making love to my boyfriend. I remember while we were making love he said to me: "Christina, if you don't already know...I love you." My heart always melted the way he said my name. It always got my attention. He captivated me. I miss him. Well, that side of him. It's amazing how music can bring you right back to a time and a place if you allow it to. Before I knew it I was right back in that bedroom on that enormous black bed that sat so high from the floor I would have to give a little jump to climb onto it, those cilantro green walls with so much plastered history under the paint, the black tab top curtains and unfinished wooden curtain rods. I was there, I was feeling every emotion that I felt at the time.

I realize that I have walled off a part of my heart, and on rare occasions like these it will see the light of day. Otherwise, it will be forever dark.

I haven't made love for some time now. I miss the feeling of his body, I miss the feeling of my body with his. I haven't allowed another to touch me like that since. I don't know when it will happen again, making love to another. I plan on a year of celibacy to prevent any possible relationships from becoming muddied before they can really begin. I have eleven more months on this self-proposed hiatus. I just don't want to feel empty afterward, like I have given all of me and there is nothing left. Some people can just make love, or have sex, or fuck; whatever they want to call it, and not really think anything of it. I want that connection. That deep connection of being able to think the thoughts of the other person, to allow them in to my thoughts. I want to feel something magic in the touch of a hand, the brush of lips against my cheek, my neck. The tingle of him pushing my hair away from my face and looking into my eyes. I miss that.

I think that considering all the grieving of a love that I was around, it was bound to rub off on me a bit. I think it may have opened that door to the sealed chamber in my mind where I keep him, my ex-boyfriend. I really did love him. It was fierce, wild and heavy love. The waters of our river never ran deep. I can't really put my finger on what caused me to not develop that strong bond with him. Even before the end when our relationship began to melt away I couldn't feel that strong connection. I would be there for a moment, and then it would be gone as quick as it came. There was something about our relationship that was always unpredictable to me. But there were times in our relationship when it was magic.

I'm worn out from work and school. I'm looking forward to a vacation. I'm going away to Montana in the beginning of July. I'll be going back to see my parents, my sisters and my brother. I want to spend a lot of time with my sisters, I miss them.

I remember our growing up, when I was able to spend time with them. We were wild, always outside. Riding our bikes, forging trails, making "sun soup", raiding the neighbors garden, going on epic trips to the 7-11. 7-11 was a big deal. Wearing blankets as princess dresses, playing with barbies, pretending we were zoo animals. We were always busy and loud.

It's funny how collections of memories come flooding back to you. A smell, a song, a touch, a word - it all comes rushing back. Some good, some bad.

Each swallow is like a knife in my ear, some memories are like a knife in my heart.

The way he looked at me from across the pool, that last look we would have. My anger toward the situation, my sharp tongue that cut, my lashing out from hurt.

I think of my trip to Portland with D. We had such a fantastic time together! We met up with T and the three of us were on the town, dangerous and sexy. In a gay bar called CC's we danced. We danced until we were covered in sweat and during a rest a guy came around a couple of times. He looked like he wanted to say something, approach, but was timid. I stood up from my bar stool and grabbed his hand and pulled him on the dance floor.

And we moved. We moved perfect together. I melted in his arms, because I could. He was a gentleman and a lover I could tell from how he handled me with care. I closed my eyes and felt the beat of the music and allowed myself to let go in those moments. To be touched, to be held, to be lifted off my feet, to fall backward into his arms. Words can't bring justice to the movements we had. It felt so good to be with another who was in time with me, the music and the moment. We stepped outside and he sat on the brick ledge of the building, I stood in front of him. He held my hand and asked me casual questions about myself. He was amazed at my age, said he wanted to see me again. We have plans to meet again, this man and I. He walked me to the restaurant where my friends were waiting, he wanted to make sure I got there safe. He kissed my hand and walked away.

I feel drained. Tired and sick. I haven't been sick like this in a long time. I'm in a Benadryl haze.

I watched a movie, as I usually do with A. As I mentioned before I like to be with him. He's comforting to me. I told him last night as we lay holding hands, that's as far as I've gone with him, that I like to spend time with him. I want to do things differently this time. Not rush into bed with someone and then wonder why it didn't work out. Get to know this man before anything of that nature happens, make sure that the gift of my body is worth giving to him, my body is my temple. He lives a couple of rows down and we see each other pretty frequently. He knows that I'm not ready for anything serious. I like the way he holds my hand, I like to hold his arm and wrap my hand around it. He is gentle, kind and loving.

I know I will never have a connection with another human being as long as I live as I do with my ex-husband. That is a river that runs deep. He is a sweet, caring, kind, loving, considerate man. I look back on our marriage with fond memories of the good times. The bad times were few. I still love him. I'm not in love with anyone. But I love him.

There are different kinds of love. The love I have for him is never ending. I see him being a part of my life until either one of us passes away. I am lucky to still be able to be a part of his life after what I have done. But there is much more to that story. A story that is best kept in the black journal, the one you can't read.

And here I am, sick in bed, crying my eyes out for grief over losses, and happiness over gains. Sometimes it feels so good to cry. It's cleansing and afterward I always feel a weight has been lifted.

Sweet Benadryl and Robitussin dreams to me.

boy meets girl a short story of fate

2011-06-18T16:18:00.001-07:00

Imagine a boy...got him in your mind?

Imagine a girl...got her in your mind?

Put this girl behind a counter at a pharmacy. Most of the time she is oblivious and doesn't think that anyone is looking, ever. She has a "whatever" attitude. And she's kind of a bitch, admittedly so.

Now, the boy walks past the pharmacy; mainly because he likes eggs, really likes eggs. While walking by he catches a glimpse of the girl. And for a few years does this. Catching glimpses. Never approaching, because the girl wears a ring. But this one time they made eye contact, and boy never forgets this.

Fast forward a few years...the lives of the girl and boy are vastly going in opposite directions.

Then BOOM, one day they collide.

And the girl and boy like to hang out a lot together. They're becoming friends, taking their time, doing things differently than they have ever done before.

Boy never talked to girl, because he was intimidated by her. Girl never talked to boy because she figured he probably wasn't interested. Assumptions and fate are what prevented these two from becoming friends earlier.

Girl has boy over and they are talking about all kinds of stuff as they usually do, and girl mentions to boy: "I used to work at blah blah pharmacy." Boy stops girl mid-sentence and says: "What?!" Boy is putting two and two together and this is the girl he would catch glimpses of while getting eggs, because he really likes eggs.

To my beautiful friend the phoenix

2011-06-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

I told my friend M about the story of the Phoenix. A mythical bird that rises from the ashes of the fire and returns to life stronger than it was before. A story of hope, rebirth and a new beginning.

M is on this exciting precipice of life. It's scary for her. She's afraid that she can't do this on her own. She's scared that she will never find another love like the one she is letting go for unselfish reasons. It really is a beautiful thing, this giving up of something that she treasures and loves so much. And if it is meant to be hers it will come back to her.

I watched this process, allowed her to vent her frustrations, fears, anger, excitement. I pointed her in directions, and watched as she read the signs along the way of this journey in life.

It was divine intervention how M and I met. I was dating her brother and when things fell apart between him and I she was there.

I remember the three of us standing in her kitchen one night making popcorn for a movie. She said to her brother, "If you don't keep her, I will!" And so it has been. And I wouldn't change it for the world. She is like a sister to me. It's funny how people come into our lives. Some stay for a moment, a season, a reason or a lifetime. Sometimes no one knows what the purpose is of a friendship, it just is.

I learned a lot about myself while listening to M. I realized that I was once, twice, in fact many times in her shoes. Not knowing my worth as a woman. Not claiming my womanhood, not owning who I was...a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman who is capable of love. I watched as M got ready for our night out for dinner. As she carefully constructed her hair, makeup and clothing, she took my breath away. She was so beautiful. A natural beauty, she can highlight her best features so easily, layer clothing in a new and stylish manner that I never would have thought of. She carries herself proud and tall, even though on the inside she feels broken. You are not broken my friend, you hold the glue to put yourself together. No one else can do this for you.

I grabbed her hand and stood with her in front of the mirror and asked her what she saw. She really couldn't tell me much. Her words would not come out, or she had no kind words for herself. Isn't this true for us all? Stand in front of the mirror right now and tell yourself five things you love about yourself. Then in front of that same mirror say all the things you hate about yourself. Your hate list is going to be much longer than that love list. It's true for all of us. And it's sad, because we are so much more than we give ourselves credit for.

"Look, really look at yourself. You are beautiful, intelligent, attractive, funny, strong woman who has a lot to offer to the right man." I said to her as we stood and looked at our reflections.

She told me that none of her other friends would have said something like that. That they would have just torn her down. I told her that those girls, (for they are not yet women if they act this way) are speaking out of jealousy. They are intimidated by this lioness, this phoenix in their midst. They feel the need to tear down parts of her to somehow raise themselves up. This is not a friend.

She spoke to me of her pain, and I'll hold it close and keep her safe. I will support her in whatever decision she makes, because I love her no matter what.

M, just when you think that the flames can't get any hotter - they will. Feel each one of those flames and rebuild yourself stronger than before. After you rise out of these ashes friend, you will be amazed just how much stronger you are. Remember that forest fire? The beautiful trees and lush green foliage it allowed to grow...allow yourself to grow. You will shine your light for all to see and help those in need.

Hold your head high sister and smile for all to see. Smile like you know a secret and everyone will want to bask with you in your light. You can do this, I believe in you.

Thank you to all of my friends who have done the same for me over the years. Held me up when I couldn't stand on my own, allowed me to bend your ear, made me laugh when I was crying, and above all loved me no matter what. You are all true and beautiful friends I will always cherish.

The "yes" girl did it again!

2011-05-30T10:23:00.001-07:00

I had originally planned to spend some of my time off these past four days with my ex-boyfriend. After the breakup I had a lot of empty time on my hands. So I thought I would do something fun and say "yes" to everything!

Thursday night I went to my friend's wedding reception in a swanky location with my ex-husband. We had a great time! I also saw my future roomie there, D, the daughter of the groom, and we talked about our moving in together. It's going to be an exciting adventure with her!

On Friday night my ex-husband and I went out together again to a tiny little dive bar and sang karaoke. This was not my first time, but I haven't done it for over twelve years. It's something I've been waiting to get out there and do. I started off the night with some whiskey cut with hot damn. Black velvet isn't exactly smooth. With some liquid courage I was able to get up there and sing my first song: Crazy by Patsy Cline. At first I was timid and a little shaky and then as I relaxed I did better. My ex-husband was my biggest cheerleader! He's always been my biggest cheerleader in life. I'm a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful and supportive man in my life.
I like to sing with my hand on my hip. Pretty funny because all of my pictures have my hand on my hip. Guess I sing better that way!

My second song of the night was by Garbage, called Special. I thought I sang that one with some special oomph. At the end of the song I dedicated it to my ex-boyfriend, when I gave back the microphone to the karaoke guy he said "Fuck You ex-boyfriend!" The whole bar whooped it up with that one. Not very nice, I know...but fitting at the time.

My third song of the night was Jolene by Dolly Parton. This was by far my favorite song and I think I sang this one the best. I was all good and liquored up at this point, not drunk, just a little more relaxed.

I sang a duet with a lady who took an immediate shining to me. To the point where she was maybe a little scary in doing so. When she talked to me she got about five inches from my face and held my hand and touched my shoulder. She meant well. We sang Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks. This song was kind of a train wreck, I knew the chorus, but not the rest of the song.

There were some girls that showed up and one of them sang Believe by Cher in the style of South Park. It was friggin' hilarious! She nailed it and kept a strait face while doing so.

After karaoke the ex-hub and I went to Denny's and ate breakfast at 2:30. Why does breakfast taste so darn good when it's that early in the morning? I ate grits and they tasted like watered down wood chips and Elmer's school glue. Add a little sugar and all in all not too bad.

Saturday morning I went to a birthday breakfast for my friend M. Her mom and another friend were there. Her mom gave her a super cute pajama set that is pink and black with stars. The top is a tank with spaghetti straps, the bottoms are three quarter length and have little bows at the bottom in black trim. Pink is M's favorite color also! M wasn't too hip to the pajama set so I got it instead. Thanks M, and thanks to M's mom for allowing the gift to keep giving. I love the set and wore it last night. Super comfy and cute.

Saturday evening around five I went to cocktails with the girls, C and T. They had frou frou girl drinks and I drank a beer. I know classy! I'm the white trash one out of the bunch, and totally okay with it!

I ordered spicy mac-n-cheese, without the spicy and got the spicy. Ate a few bites and the server took it away from me because it had garlic in it. No reaction! Yeah! He replaced it with some regular mac-n-cheese.

After cocktails I went to my friend M's house from that morning's breakfast and stayed the night. We watched the first Pirates movie, I've never seen any of them. From what I saw it was pretty good, I fell asleep for at least half of it. Went to bed pretty late and woke up early. Her and I had breakfast together and decided to start a women's group called the "Stupid Girls Club." A club where women can get together and air out their grievances about their relationships. Maybe a name revision, but I think it would be a fun idea. Just a bitching forum for a group of women.

Later that day I watched a movie with a neighbor of mine, I'll call him C. He's such a nice guy, so very outgoing and friendly. I like to hang out with him, I always wind up laughing. I love how full of life he is. He is always in motion, a social butterfly and an includer of all. We watched "Boy did I get a wrong number" with Bob Hope. It was super funny! We ate pizza and laughed our asses off. I think the funniest part of the movie was the first scene with Phyllis Diller. Oh God! Her hair was epic! Phyllis and Bob on-screen have such good comedic timing. And all the jokes throughout the movie stop just short of being raunchy so you have to fill in the blanks, which makes watching all the more fun and engaging.

Then later that night I decided to get super-pretty!

Practice my look for Portland after the term.
Another one of my neighbors, A, came over and watched me get all prettified, hair and makeup. He suggested the lipstick. We talked about everything on Sunday night. Life, love, romance, dating, relationships, music, women, men, bmx injuries, death and dying, children...you name it we probably talked about it. He has a very nice comforting presence when I hang out with him. We finally called it a night at 3 am. I feel safe around him. I feel safe around all of my neighbors. It was nice to have someone to hang with and just talk and talk. We connected on a lot of different levels. I can see us having a good friendship for a long time.

Monday morning I got a knock on my door and some of my neighbors, a very sweet couple J and E, invited me to a picnic on the lawn. How sweet to think of me! We sat on the grass and ate ribs and potato salad and drank grape sodas. My neighbor, J, pointed out halfway through my soda that it reminded him of Dimetapp cough syrup. The second half of my soda tasted like Dimetapp and reminded me of when I was sick as a child and my mom would hand me the bottle and tell me to "take two swigs." I still laugh about that!

Monday afternoon brought a continuation of a headache started that morning. I took a couple of aspirin, and it seemed to do the trick. But as the day wore on the headache persisted. I met up with my ex-husband and we went bowling. I think my high game was a 118 without really trying. I was trying harder to get rid of my headache than throw a fourteen pound ball. It seemed like the bowling alley only had fourteen pounders that day.

After bowling we went and saw Bridesmaids. I HIGHLY recommend this movie. This was probably one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. In fact if anyone would like to go I will go and see it again. I was laughing so hard through most of it that there were some things that I missed. The movie was a low-brow-raunchy comedy.

We ate dinner at Applebees, which was gross. I do not recommend that. The water tasted really funny, weird actually, it tasted weird. My ex-hub got splattered with marinara sauce from a server who dropped a monkey dish on the floor, the steak he ordered medium was all but raw on the inside. He sent it back to have them throw it on for a bit longer and it looked like they didn't touch it at all. I'm always scared when he sends back food because it brings up nightmarish visions of that movie "Waiting" with dreamboat Ryan Reynolds.

My night finished off with a migraine, tears, dizziness, and nausea. Luckily I was at my ex-hub's house and he knew exactly how to take care of me. Ice on the back of my neck and forehead, popping my back which is as crooked as the Snake River, and just being close at hand. He is such a lovely man. I am such a lucky woman.

All in all a very busy and very fun four day weekend filled with laughter, song, movies, good food, good friends and lots of love for all. I am truly a blessed person to have such wonderful people in my life and thank God everyday that I can keep, maintain and grow all my friendships.

Life is for living, and I am living my life!

Anonymous graduates!

2011-05-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

What the hell is a "unik"? Perhaps you meant to write "eunuch". Your posts are infested with errors and I think you should immediately cease giving advice about the English language and begin accepting advice about your personal life.

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I'm crying from this post. Why? Because I am so proud of you! Now the student is teaching the master. You have truly made some enormous strides, and for that I would like to congratulate you on a fine job. If I could give out stickers you would get a gold star. That's how special you are to me!

What the hell is a "unik"? (I used the Urban Dictionary for help on this word for spelling. Probably not the best source, but a very entertaining source nonetheless. The UD states that a unik is: someone who has had their balls cut off so they don't feel sexual urges.)

Perhaps you meant to write "eunuch". (I had to think about this sentence structure for a moment. At first I was tempted to have you put a question mark at the end. However, this also works as a statement too. Thank you for the correction with this. This particular sentence is what makes me so proud of you. And it also allows me to maybe find out who you are. You either a. took the time to look up the word eunuch, which is a super tricky spelling I might add; or b. you are a eunuch. In which case if you are a eunuch I don't know you. All the men I know have their balls.)

Your posts are infested with errors and I think you should immediately cease giving advice about the English language and begin accepting advice about your personal life. (This sentence makes me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy: you used the past participle infested, you italicized certain words to give them more emphasis, you capitalized the E in English. Sad: you fear the comma. I would have broken up this sentence with a comma. Like this: Your posts are infested with errors, and I think you should immediately cease giving advice about the English language and begin accepting advice about your personal life.)

Anonymous thanks for the fun times. However, I feel that our time has come to an end. Why? Because you are right, I don't want to give advice about the English language, I'm not an English teacher. As for accepting advice about my personal life, you really haven't done a very good job in giving the advice. Keep in mind though, advice is just that. People can take it or leave it. I won't stop writing about my life. And if my musings bother you, you should stop reading them. That is my advice to you.

Anonymous feel free to leave comments, however I'm not going to showcase them any longer. I have much more exciting and more important things to talk about. Myself!

The rare 2 post day! Anonymous strikes again!

2011-05-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Anonymous writes: Blah blah blah, I don't hate you. How could I? Sorry that My grammar sucks, apparently I don't care. You sadly missed the true reason for my comment. Your loss.

Dear Anonymous:

Let us carry on with tradition and start with the grammar: Blah blah blah (good job for capitalizing the first word this time! However, commas are your friends, you should have separated each blah with a comma. Such as: Blah, blah, blah; and then you could have added and ellipsis...after dropping the comma, then go into "I don't hate you."

At this point I am very curious as to who you are; it seems to me that you have some kind of personal stake in my affairs. Or at least you seem wounded by them somehow. Anonymous, if it is I that has wounded you I am truly sorry. Sometimes I take out my Katana and just start chopping. However, there is always a good reason as to why I take out my Katana, and the Katana is the absolute last resort. If this is personal you should have heard the rattle in my tail long ago saying "don't tread on me." It takes a fuck-of-a-lot to piss me off.

How could I? (I don't know, you tell me. How could you not hate me? If you don't hate me, then is it love that you feel or something more grey in nature.)

Sorry that My grammar sucks, apparently I don't care. (Alright, so we talked about capitalizing the first letter of each sentence. I want to praise you for doing such a good job. However, you capitalize the M in "My" in the middle of a sentence. That is also a no-no. If you want some emphasis you should italicize, bold or underline - if comments will allow, or just leave it alone. You don't have to emphasize that your grammar sucks, because we all know it is you who has written it, Anonymous. As far as you not caring, I find that a little hard to believe because you wrote back. This makes the point that you do care. Otherwise you wouldn't have taken the time to do so. Did you see how I underlined do? By underlining that word I put emphasis on that word, without massacring the English language while doing so.)

You sadly missed the true reason for my comment. (Yeah, sadly, I guess I did. Because your comment was somewhat schizophrenic in nature. Maybe if you were more pointed in what you were trying to convey instead of trying to cover several different topics at the same time I would have known exactly what the point was. I would appreciate it if you would please try again.)

Your loss. (Well, actually I haven't lost anything. In fact I have gained. Because of you, my blog has grown by two more followers. So....(Note the use of ellipsis here, very effective; oh-my- gosh and a comma, and hyphens! Ellipsis, commas and hyphens oh my! It's a triple threat of punctuation! I would like to thank you!)

So Anonymous, please come out of the shadows and write me personally. Because I believe you feel as though you have a personal stake in my life. And I think I know who you are. I have at least narrowed it down to two people. Please email me at: christina.marie.31221@gmail.com and I will happily write you back.

If you don't email me, then I guess I know that you are a yellow-belly (look up John Wayne if this confuses you.) Come on now, let's throw some grammar around. If you do have a real-life "beef" with me, we can most likely work it out, or at least get past this Anonymous crap. I'm a very reasonable person. Try me. And if you confess to me that English is your second language then I'll go easy on you. I don't know any second languages, you would have me beat there.

Come on now, be a man or a woman, or a unik and tell me what's really on your mind. Did you know that if I would have put a comma after unik like this: unik, - that would have been what is called an Oxford comma. I personally believe that an Oxford comma is wasteful because a comma denotes that you are omitting something, usually the words "and" or "or". Look it up, give yourself the gift of an English lesson today!

I would be happy to talk to you through email. Really, I would.

Anonymous, I would really like to thank you. Why? Because I have had a smile on my face for the past two days in response to your "non-hate" mail.

I love to spar. :) But, then again you probably already, or sadly, didn't know that about me.

I have arrived!

2011-05-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share the comment that I received on my last blog. I am pretty excited to share this comment because it is hate based, and to me it means I MADE IT! My blog affects people so strongly that they have to profess their HATE! When I first read this comment I just had a huge smile on my face the whole time. I hate to admit it, but it made me feel a little important.

So here is the hate comment that I received:

dude you need to just grow up. And putting such personal stuff where everyone can read your soap opera life is the wrong way to go about mending your self. Wake up!! Selfish people are always foolish people. And your little ex is going down the same path as you, self destruction. Instead of leaving your marriage for another guy, you should have realized a long time ago that it was going down hill in the first place and choose a healthier way out for both of you. But some people are so self involved they are careless about others. Wanting independence and getting to know your self time does not mean hanging out with your ex-husband. you are not being fare to him or your self by maintaining that relationship. STOP BROADCASTING YOUR LIFE!

Written by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Thank you for your time in writing and leaving a comment. As you saw when you left a comment it says: comments make this girl smile. And that is so true, never more true than in this case as well. The time that you took out of your life to read, mentally process and then comment on my blog tells me that I am making an impact in people's lives. And it makes me feel important. So thank you Anonymous.

Anonymous, let's also talk about your grammar and spelling. You really should consider getting a basic book on grammar, punctuation and general use of the English language. Now, I'm not saying I'm the best at it either; but I worry that people won't take you as seriously as you would like to be taken in the written word.

So Anonymous let's together go through your comment and correct it for misspellings and grammatical errors. I will also retort to some of your thoughts, which are valid.

dude you need to just grow up. (First of all Anonymous, you MUST start all sentences with a capital letter. This is one of the most basic of rules. And you don't need the word "just", your beginning would have been much more punchy if it had read like this: "Dude, you need to grow up." Also, read your comment out loud before you submit, where you would naturally pause when speaking, stick a comma in there! Hence, after the word "dude". Dude is a very versatile word, I probably wouldn't have picked this particular word to start with, but an interesting choice nonetheless.)

And putting such personal stuff where everyone can read your soap opera life is the wrong way to go about mending your self. (Don't start a sentence with the word 'and', capitalize the P and start the sentence. Your self is actually one word: yourself.) I don't believe that I am torn, ripped or missing any buttons, so therefore I do not need to "mend" myself. This is a blog about self-actualization and working through my shit. You have to accept the terms before you even read the blog. So therefore by leaving a comment, I only naturally assume that you accepted the terms. I personally find that blogging is more helpful than going to a therapist. I can't really explain why, it just is. I am using what works best for me.

Wake up!! (When punctuating only one exclamation point will do just fine. Any more than one and it's overkill.)

Selfish people are always foolish people. (This is perhaps the wisest thing you have said so far, and I agree. Kudos to you!)

And your little ex is going down the same path as you, self destruction. (Don't start a sentence with the word 'and'. Capitalize Y and start the sentence. If I was using the modifier of little, I would personally have put quotations around it, such as "little". By putting quotations around little you are denoting that he may or may not be little, unless you know for sure that he is little. And by little do you mean small in stature, small in intellectual,emotional,spiritual or penis size? I can tell you that he is not small in stature, he is taller than me, by at least a good nine inches. He is also not small in intellectual, emotional or spiritual standards. He is quite intelligent, emotionally intelligent and I do know that although he is not religious he is spiritual. As for penis size, a lady never tells of such things. As far as self destructing, I beg to differ with you on that one. I am actively working on obtaining a career through schooling. I apply myself thoroughly to school. I am surrounding myself with people that are loving, caring and supportive. I do not do drugs, I do not drink in excess, I do occasionally smoke a cigarette here and there, I don't prostitute myself out, I don't take advantage of others, and I love unconditionally, I am forgiving, and I try and be as non-judgemental as humanly possible. I can honestly say that even though I am still hurt by what my ex said to me and the final direction that our relationship went, I still love him. I want a good life for him, and I want to see him reach his potential. It's okay if I'm not in his life for this process, I want more for him.)

Instead of leaving your marriage for another guy, you should have realized a long time ago that it was going down hill in the first place and choose a healthier way out for both of you. (Down hill is one word: downhill. You can leave out "in the first place" it just junks up the sentence. When you really want to get your point across be more concise. As for the thought you are trying to convey: I think that if you have kept up with my blog you would know that I also came to this realization and I agree with you on this wholeheartedly.)

But some people are so self involved they are careless about others. (I personally wouldn't have started the sentence with "but". I also agree with you on this thought. I have been guilty of this, but I think it's fair to say that I think everyone has been guilty of this at one point in their lives.)

Wanting independence and getting to know your self time does not mean hanging out with your ex-husband. (I would have hyphenated "getting-to-know-yourself-time", and "your self" is one word: yourself. And as far as me hanging out with my ex-husband, I have a hard time understanding why this would be of any concern to you personally. You seem to convey this thought with a very personal slant. I find it interesting.)

you are not being fare to him or your self by maintaining that relationship. (Tisk, tisk...we've talked about this...not starting a sentence with a capital. This is a very basic rule. The choice of the word fare has a definition of: the price of a passage on a bus, train, cab, plane or other form of transportation. I know the English language can be tricky, especially when you have heterographs involved. You were looking for the word: fair. But be careful! Fair is a homonym. Your self is one word: yourself. In contrast I find that I am being fair to both of us by maintaining that relationship. Having a connection with him and vice-versa makes us both feel good. I also find it interesting that you seem to take a personal approach to this particular sentence as well. All in all it is really none of your concern.

STOP BROADCASTING YOUR LIFE! (I want to praise you on using one exclamation point here. But your use of all caps denotes anger. And your anger makes me concerned for your health. Did you know that people who are quick to anger are called "hot reactors" and they have an increased incidence of heart disease, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure and other dangerous co-morbidities? If reading someone's blog makes you this upset to take the time to write a scathing comment, which in my opinion lost a lot of credence because of all of the misspellings and grievous misuse of the English language, then you should probably consider counseling or some other form of anger management.

So Anonymous, all in all great comment. Work on that English and you too can maybe write a blog someday!

I wish you well in whatever you do in life and hope that your anger toward your own situation will fade with time. I'm sorry that someone has hurt you, and I hope that time will heal your wounds and you can find peace and prosperity with your life. If you write a blog send me the link I would love to read it!

woke up in tears

2011-05-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

I had a dream very early this morning. In the dream Chad and I were driving down a very steep hill and he was telling me such personal things, things you just don't tell another living soul. And I listened and I wanted to hear more, and I felt love for him. I wanted to make his hurts go away.

I asked him in the dream if he liked that movie 500 Days of Summer. He said yes he did. I'm trying at this moment in my brain to dissect that movie and apply it to something in my life. I don't really think it applies. But it was a good movie. Funny how random dreams can be.

I sent him a message on Facebook the other day, please give me back some more of my stuff. His reply was to make sure that it was the last thing, that he is not taking any requests from me and will no longer deal with me after this.

And I stuck on the word "deal". When did he ever have to "deal" with me? Maybe when I started to ride him about his life choices I didn't agree with. But throughout the relationship I think I was the one who was mainly "dealing" with stuff. Dealing with him getting kicked out of the nursing program and the change that represented, yet being very supportive at the same time. Dealing with his proclivities toward the spiraling downward end. I think I was the one who dealt. And not only was I dealing with him, but I was dealing with a hell of a lot more as well.

As the dream continued I walked through his house and picked up my nail polishes and walked into the bathroom. The bathroom was filled with another girls stuff. This girl had bright blonde hair. It stung to see the blonde hair cling to the brush and know who's hair it was. And I felt anger because I had been replaced so quickly, and I felt sad for her because I knew how it would end for her, and I felt sad for her fiance.

I walked into the kitchen and started to sob. Saying how I don't just half-ass love a person. I throw my whole self into it. How I still loved him, how I was so very hurt by the last words he said to me, and even more hurt by the lack of "give a shit" behind them. I sunk to my knees and sobbed and sobbed. Begging for this feeling to stop, please just stop!

And I woke up in tears, making little crying noises in my sleep. I was wrapped around my body pillow giving it the death grip.

I took a couple of deep breaths and realized that there really is nothing to cry about. That that relationship was not love. Love is a two-way street and if one person is constantly paving the road while the other turns it to gravel, it makes traveling that road almost impossible.

When I really really think about it, when I get these little feelings of missing him I realize: I don't miss him. I think the only thing that I miss is his body next to mine sometimes. I don't miss the sex, the driving around, the talks late at night where we would throw the stone as far out in the infinite as we could (these talks would always spiral down into something that made me feel threatened, uncomfortable and uneasy), I don't miss the feeling of rejection and replacement I received from him toward the end when he couldn't seem to put down what I asked him to put down. I don't miss him taking up my time in my busy schedule and leaving me scrambling to get everything done and then looking back on my time spent and wondering if that was a good choice. Obviously it wasn't.

I just find it strange how after I told him "no contact" how he would just show up and sit and stare at me in my apartment. This vacant stare as if he had left his body and went somewhere else. His refusal to obey a simple command to leave. What did he want? He never did say what he wanted. I don't think he knows.

I know from looking back at the situation with different eyes I can see a destructive relationship. Especially toward the end. I can see myself wanting to be loyal and helping this person with their life and constantly being pushed aside for something else.

I can't help but fear that I have done the same thing to my ex. And for that I feel terrible. It is a lonely place to be. A place that drives one crazy, to the brink of madness.

My ex and I have been hanging out more. We are developing a great friendship. We drove to the coast last week and had a huge fight that ended with "fuck yous" and tears. But I think that we needed that fight to get over our shit. To move forward into a friendship. And we have. I am thankful that I have him in my life.

I'm not looking for any kind of romantic relationship in my life. No one-night stands, no friends with benefits. I just want to get to know myself. Have fun and live life without complications, or at least so many of them at once. I'm looking forward to a peaceful time in my life.

I'm looking forward to the future.

I will not look back on my experience with Chad with regret. I will look back on it as a learning experience. A chance to grow and change. In retrospect he did do a lot for me and I am thankful that he was there when I needed him. He was a great man to have in my life when our stars aligned. But now we are solar systems away from one another and probably always will be.

Time to build another galaxy.

circling the drain

2011-05-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

I feel stupid. How could I not see that something like "us" would not work.

At one time it was perfect. At one time I loved to be in his arms. I loved the way he held me, the way we fit together; mentally and physically. He was wonderful, he was everything I needed.

We spent the day together, had a wonderful time at his parent's house. We went and shot his new rifle, spent some good time together and then cuddled on my bed at home.

"You can make love to me when you love me." I said. "But, you can't fuck me."

I told him after cuddling some more that I didn't feel comfortable with coming over to his house because of the "things" that there are there. "Things" that could really hurt me. He promptly got up and said: "Well, had I known that I wouldn't have stayed in bed with you so long." And he left without another word.

I was godsmacked at this revelation and so proud and happy for myself that I didn't give him what he wanted: PUSSY. I would have felt so empty and alone had I done that.

I called him later because when he left I could not speak. No words could come.

I told him that I was done, what he did was unforgivable. And it showed to me that all he cared about was getting a piece of ass from me with that behavior. Do not contact me, text, call, stop by: nothing. I am done. We are done. Anything that we could have been is dead now. And even with that phone call I tried to cast out a net to try and reel him back to dry land. And his response to me was: "If you don't want to talk to me why are you wasting your breath?" I hung up.

He shows up at my door later and comes in and sits on my bed. (I have a studio and the only thing that fits in here is a bed.) I ask him to leave. I ask him why is he here. He can't answer me that question. It seems the questions I have for him he can never answer. Do you miss me? No answer. Do you love me? No answer, although he did tell me he loved me today. But I'm starting to think that he only told me that to get a piece of ass. He didn't even say he was sorry for his behavior earlier. He had no remorse. He seemed to just stare at me as I yelled at him telling him how used I felt.

I asked him to leave several times. Told him that I had nothing more for him. He just sat there. I told him that I had him figured out: he saw me, he wanted me, he took advantage of my vulnerability and used it for his gain. I left my husband, my life, everything that I knew for him. And this is what I get in return. I said to him that I didn't know him anymore, he wasn't the man that I met. He said: "Well, I guess you didn't really know me."

I shouted for him to get out, "Get the fuck out of my house!". He didn't. So I left and ran down the stairs in tears. Yelling to get out, get out. Some of my neighbors were out on the lawn and came to my apartment to escort him out. He went peaceably, but stood by the pool for a moment as I yelled across it telling him how he saw me and wanted me and then once he had me it was over.

Shortly after I broke up with him I felt a palpable loneliness, like something was missing in me. I missed him so very very much. But he never seemed to have the same feelings for me. Or at least never openly said he did.

I no longer feel any emptiness or loneliness, because the thought of having him in my life is gone. He's made his choices and clearly they don't include me. I've asked him to include me in my life and omit the other things that he does. And he can't seem to help himself, or he just doesn't give a shit. Obviously didn't give a shit about me. I'm not about to be his mother and tell him what to do. That is something that he has to do for himself. If he wants a woman to constantly tell him what to do, then I'm not the woman for him.

I also told him that I come from a long line of women who don't take people's shit. He said that if I couldn't take his shit then we shouldn't be together. How true.

He was the first man that I saw where I had this feeling, this deep deep feeling of wanting to have his children. I've never had that before. I wanted a life with him. I wanted a future with him. It seemed so perfect. So wonderfully perfect. But instead he chose to go a different direction.

He is guided by selfishness, not wanting to take into consideration others in his life. He just wants to get his needs met and go on.

There are no more needs to meet with me.

And after all of this I still care. I still am worried about him, that he is just circling the drain and falling deeper and deeper into a lifestyle that is going to be self destructive. And he doesn't seem to care. I kept throwing out the net for him, and he refused it each time. I would try and meet him as far out in that ocean as I could and still he swam farther and farther away. Some people don't want help. I can't help those who don't want to help themselves.

I wish the best for him on his journey through life. I hope he can turn things around. Make a life for himself, go in a prosperous direction instead of one that will lead him down a road of dead ends and misfortune. But that is not for me to decide.

Tuesday nights I can't breathe

2011-05-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

I keep telling myself as of this moment: breathe. In and out. Breathe.

I am so overwhelmed, so completely saturated with school. It overtakes everything I am.

Tears.

Is all of this sacrifice going to be worth it?

I push and push and push myself to get through all of this and I just need it to please end. Please. I need a break. How am I going to make it to the end of this term, let alone tomorrow?

Breathe. In and out. Breathe.

My heart is broken. I feel broken.

Tuesdays are my hardest days. I have class first thing from 10-12:20, then sometimes Pharm from 1-2, then I go to the hospital and get patient preps, which takes me about an hour and a half. Then I go home and now it's around 4. And I start work on two patient preps. Each one taking about an hour and a half. So theoretically that brings me to 7pm. But here I am at 10 and have just finished printing out my two preps.

Tomorrow morning I have to get up at 5:30 to get to the hospital by 7am.

To say that I am not a morning person is an understatement.

The anxiety I feel right now about having to get up in the morning is overwhelming. I'm crying, I'm scared to wake up in the morning and dry heave and cry some more, walk around my apartment like I'm drunk, feeling like I just got hit by a truck and then backed over again.

And I keep telling myself that this is temporary. This is going to end. Soon.

And I feel like my body is falling apart and I'm becoming more haggard as the days drag on. I feel like I have huge black circles under my eyes.

Breathe. In and out. Breathe.

And this week is a test week, and I always fall apart during test weeks. Someday I think I may fall apart and come up missing pieces to put myself back together again.

I feel empty. And if I'm full of anything it would be tears. Just when I think that they will stop, they keep coming.

Different tears for different things: stress, anxiety, overwhelmed, heartache, loneliness, fear, exhaustion.

Breathe. In and out. Breathe.

The "yes" girl!

2011-05-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

I have spent too much of my life saying "no". It's time for a change and I started with today!

I went to smoke one of my continental cigarettes (1 per day...if that sometimes), and some guys came out and smoked too. We all started talking and one guy invited me to the BBQ they were having that night. And another invited me to play a game of pool with him in the common room.

I said "yes" to both!

The BBQ, it was good. It petered out pretty fast and they went to go and play beer pong. I said "no" to that one. Not really my scene. But it was nice to meet some of my other neighbors and get my face shone. Although I looked a little like shit because of the weather and having to get up at the buttcrack of dawn.

The game of pool went well. I scratched at the last shot. It's amazing how fast that game comes back to you when you haven't played it in ummmmm a long fucking time!

My friend Dez is looking for someone to get an apartment with. Her and I go way back and have known each other for a very long time. So I think that will be a great move for me (for us), not to mention a little cheaper. We are both divorced and single and out on the dating scene. I'm out on the hanging out and just socializing scene right now. Another thing I said "yes" to!

I'm feeling really good about my decision to break up with my boyfriend. I got some wonderful counsel from some trusted people and they all told me to go with my gutt. So I did. We gave each other our keys back today, I got the rest of my stuff from his place, which wasn't much. I got too tied up in being "something" for someone that I again lost myself a little. And in grieving the end of that relationship, I think I grieved more for the loss of myself.

I think this is the best decision to have made for myself. I'm not ready for a relationship, not ready to play that "role" right now. And when I am I will know.

This is a new beginning for me. I have loving supportive friends, a network of people who care about me, and with the exception of school right now more time to spend with them.

I intend to network and get to know more people. Get out there and live life, enjoy every moment. I don't need a man or a relationship in order to do that. I have myself, and am learning every day more about myself. How strong I am. What my weaknesses are. What things I need to change. What things I don't want to change. And most importantly taking the steps I need to change.

My relationship with my mom has blossomed into something I have always wanted. She left me a voicemail today that said: "Keep your head up, you can do it...You.Can.Do.It.".

I am a strong independent woman with so much to offer the world. So World, here I come to you, with my arms open and my heart tucked safely away for the right person. Right now my heart belongs to me and me alone.

Random musings

2011-05-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. Busy as usual. A lot of reflection going on inside of me.

I can feel the ways in which I want to change and they are happening slowly. Sort of like how a butterfly was once a caterpillar. I think I'm still in my cocoon. And I know some people are waiting for me to come out and spread my wings. I know super-lame analogy. But to me its the best I can muster after two clinical preps, a day of school and infinite ponderings.

I'm very continental now. I smoke clove cigars every once in a while, which I know is bad for me.

I also work out a lot more now. Getting back into the groove of where I was at about six months ago. Slow going though.

I'm trying to eat, sometimes it just doesn't work out. But I'm trying, I usually need a reason to eat and it isn't for myself. I should change that. I should also love to eat and eat what I love, really enjoy it.

I'm tired. Took a nap today in the middle of the day and it felt so good to just disappear for a while.

I heard from my old neighbor through a facebook message after he saw that I changed my profile picture. It was nice to hear from him again. He took me on my first motorcycle ride EVER! I thought he was the bees knees. Funny how you can travel so fast down memory lane. I can say the moments that I had with him were a collection of good moments. He is married to a beautiful girl who has lots in common with him and lives in California. Like I knew I would leave Montana, I always knew he would leave too. He was a talented artist, I hope he still draws.

Speaking of drawing I can't wait for my break, I fully intend to start drawing again. I'll have the time to immerse myself in it. Time to write, time to spend with friends, time to love and time to live. I sacrifice so much for this program, sometimes it's frustrating. I'm trying to keep thinking about one week at a time. That's an improvement from one day at a time as I was earlier.

I'm praying. I have a Buddha, have always had one and had to have another. I talk to him, give him my worries and my problems, ask for a sign like an idiot. I'll still keep my eyes open, because who knows. I want to give my problems to something bigger than me. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. But by reading this sometimes you burden yourself. But you always click on the disclaimer, so by default you are accepting my shit for at least as long as you can read it. Then...whatever...

I need to take more of that approach...whatever... Not get so fucking twisted up in details, not get so planned out and controlled about everything. Blah! Help! I'm a control freak! I somehow feel if I have absolute control over everything that things will go smoother. It just winds up pissing me off and ends up with mass frustration on my part because I realize that I'm not God and I can't control everything!

So here are some changes that I can think of off the top of my head to work on:

take a new approach...whatever...let it go...let it breathe...nothing can survive in a death grip!
talk to "god"
enjoy what I eat, and eat for myself
be confident goddammit! You're a sexy fuckin bitch, own it!
achieve balance
spend more time with friends
learn to ask for what I want, in a more direct way...I want this
smile more, make eye contact with people and stop acting so fucking shy and withdrawn
enjoy...everything...soak it up, who knows what tomorrow will bring
open my heart to love, I'm worth loving, but love myself first before loving anyone else
don't be scared...there's nothing to be scared of
sing, walk my happy ass down the goddamn road and instead of always saying I want to go and sing karaoke...go do it! even if it's just you, you'll probably sing better if you don't know anyone there! Patsy Cline I won't do you wrong!
go out, live life, seek life, make it happen
take the motorcycle course through LB this summer and get a motorcycle! yes I can, no one is saying NO!
go through my grieving process, heal
Don't rush, I'll get there in my own time, time is relative
drive...somewhere...plan little trips to different places I've always wanted to go

Now, don't you feel better? I do!

growing pains?

2011-05-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

This feeling washes over me and overtakes me. This feeling of profound sadness and loss. At first I get the shakes, then I get all breathy and before I know it my tears are rolling down my cheeks.

I want so badly to handle this on my own. To get my own shit together. And I think this must be part of that process. Hurts...it hurts so bad.

I don't want to go back to my old life. I want to know who I am before I can give myself to anyone else. I think I would be shortchanging them if I didn't do that. And then there is a part of me that wonders if I should ever be in a relationship. Am I relationship material? And if not, why not?

Things hit a rough patch between the boyfriend and I, our communication is very different. And as soon as we hit rough seas I just got these panicky feelings. And my emotions went from 0-10 quickly because I have so much other shit going on in my life.

I cried on my friend's shoulder this weekend. Cried my eyes out. I'm scared. I've never been this before, never done this before. I second guess my decisions. I'm scared that I'm going to be alone forever. I'm scared that I'm not pretty enough, not good enough, not enough in general. My self-esteem sucks, that has to be the first thing I work on for myself.

I'm just so used to having another living, breathing human being so close to me, even just in physical proximity.

Today I dressed really nice and wore my best attribute. My smile. Today was a good day. People looked at me, acknowledged my existence and smiled back.

I keep myself busy. I'm always doing something. Because if I stop it gives me too much time to think, and thinking leads to tears, and tears lead to puffy eyes in the morning.

It's so weird to live on my own. I'm really vulnerable. I'm fragile. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm grieving for this loss that seems almost as big as myself sometimes.

I always asked myself when I was a child if I would run out of tears. I haven't.

And now I'm asking myself...why the hell am I crying?

I'm single. I'm free. I can do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anyone.

But this transition is so hard. Going from being a wife for 12 years to a girlfriend for a few months to single now. There are a few things I question about my decision to break up with my boyfriend. But there are other things that I think are the right decision for me.

Maybe these are growing pains?

What I want

2011-05-09T00:55:00.001-07:00

The thing that I want to most at this point in my life is to know me, to know what I want. Clearly I do not.

I think that for me right now being in a relationship is not good timing. How can I possibly learn to be "me", if I don't know "me". And how can I possibly know what I want if I don't know me.

I felt for a short moment in my life a feeling so strong it was overwhelming. And like a butterfly caught for a small moment on your fingertip you watch it delicately dance and then float away. This feeling has floated away. The feeling I'm speaking of is of having children, and more specifically children with a certain man. I could have bet my soul that this was the man.

For the beginning it was wonderful, easy, we were learning one another.

And then the bottom dropped out. For me. I lost it, that feeling, that desire. Gone. And it wasn't simply gone as if it left me, but it was gone from being chased out.

This is all so very complicated. And to save the feelings of the other person involved I'm not going to go into specifics.

I did/have/and am learning a whole hell of a lot about myself.

In short I have no clue what I want. I have an idea, but ideas are just ideas and not reality. We will see if the two shall meet.

Overwhelmed

2011-04-22T19:55:00.001-07:00

I shed a lot of tears today. I'm frustrated with school. This term is particularly hell. All the chaos in my life is starting to settle, but now my school is suffering. I'm burning out.

This whole week I read every chapter, I answered all the questions within the chapter. I went to every class except for one for this test. I answered the test questions and felt pretty good about my answers. I said my prayer before I hit the submit and got a 57% back. My heart sunk and I knew I was in shock. I handed in my test score along with my math questions and walked back to my apartment. Every step I grew colder and colder. By the time I got to my apartment I was shivering. Shivering from frustration, anger, regret, fear. The sun was shining brightly in the sky but the temperature betrayed the rays. It has been a long and bitter winter. And my soul is getting heavy with the burden of school.

After the adjustments made to the score my overall was a 70%. The score jumped significantly, but not good enough for a passing 75%.

My only option at this point I feel is to throw myself into school even more. To be more restricted in what I do outside of school, to schedule and be strict with every moment of my time. In a way I'm punishing myself for doing poorly, even though I did my best.

Am I too hard on myself?

I took a drive to get out of my head, to try and soak in the sun's rays. I needed to create some movement in my life; to feel the ground move beneath me, the air through my hair and watch as the scenery passed in a blur. I drove back country roads passing fields pregnant with tall green grass. Past fields barren and brown. I hope one day to be tall green grass.

Can I get past this fear of being nothing if I'm not "something"? I think I know my purpose. I'm scared that the ground beneath me will crumble and I will have to try and reconstruct the pieces. Or use the debris to create something new. And I look at the pieces in my hands as the little cracks start to give way. I turn each one around and around in my hands and try to find a new place for it, or try and let it go because it no longer serves a purpose.

I'm scared. I'm weary.

My friend wrote this to me and I refer to it often and gain strength from this. Thank you for the guidance my friend.

May your Buddhist inflections and positive memories of your life provide you with comfort as you move to a new chapter...the only constant is change. Relationships, as wonderful and important as they may have been in influencing future chapters of your life, are prone to change and simply run their karmic course.

you're so quiet

2011-04-06T01:40:00.001-07:00

I guess I have been quiet lately. I just don't have a whole lot to say, at least a whole lot that I want to share. But here I am going to spill for all to see in this very public, yet what I believe is private venue. There is something cathartic about others being able to read this. It makes me feel as though I exist in a way. That I matter. I love the song "I Am" by the Christina Aguilera. And after it came up on my Pandora station I had this urge to just write this all out for you to see. I left my husband, in a pretty terrible way. And I am paying for my sin emotionally. I know that the penance that I pay can never make up for my leaving. I am going through the grieving process of our ended marriage. Sometimes the feelings are so strong that I just want to sit and cry. And sometimes I do. I am just glossing over this whole event because honestly it really isn't any of your business as to the "why" or the "how". But I know you'll judge me. Many of you already have. The sting of your judgement or your comments is palpable. If I take away one lesson (which there are many lessons I'm taking away from this) it is to NEVER judge another. You have no idea what the whole story is. You have no idea why they are doing what they are doing. And sometimes the best thing to do is to be quiet. Just listen. Keep your arms open and your eyes wide. So I've been pretty quiet lately, both in the blogosphere and in person. The things and the feelings I'm experiencing are pretty heavy. So unless you have some broad shoulders that can carry the weight it's not a burden you need to carry. I'm selective as to who can carry the weight that I give them. I never want to be a burden on anyone. I'm scared. I can tell you that much. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Sometimes even when I'm in a crowded room I feel lonely. I don't know what I'm scared of. The unknown I guess. The horrible thought that I won't be loved again. The thought that I don't deserve love. I struggle with the thought that I'm a good person and that I'm a truly evil person. I guess I don't know who I am, at least I'm scared that I don't know. I'm prepared to be alone. Of course like everyone I don't want to be. I'm overwhelmed by the stress of school, it's truly exhausting the feeling of never having time to yourself. Or when you do take time for yourself it takes time away from other things that you really should be doing. There's always this looming feeling like something is waiting to be done. Sometimes it makes it hard to breathe. And I feel alone. And I don't know how I feel about that. Sometimes I really like it. Sometimes I don't. I guess maybe this is normal. I guess lonely and alone are two different things. I'm not lonely. I can keep myself company for hours on end. I've always been my own best friend. Sometimes I'm all that I've had. I want to be independent. I am being independent. I don't want to feel like I'm responsible for another person's feelings. This is harder said than done. Because I know that my actions have affected others. Many others. And I'm sorry. I don't know if I really want to get into the specifics of why I'm at where I'm at in my life. I just feel like maybe that is something that I can't really talk about yet. I guess more so because I don't want to hurt other people in the process of talking about it. I'm quiet. Sometimes everything about me is quiet. My mind has nothing, no thoughts. My body is still, sometimes so still that I feel nothing. I don't want to be one of those people that talk just to talk. That just blab on and on senselessly to the point where no one listens to them. I want to be heard when I talk because I have something important to say. So unless its important I probably won't say anything. In my quiet way I remind myself of my Grandpa J. He was such a quiet man. So hard to read, so hard to know if I "knew" him. But after he died I understood that I knew him better than anyone else in my family. And in our own quiet way we shared a lot. My divorce was finalized today. Both of us received our papers. It's an end to a time in our lives. I can tell you that I don't think that it was fair for me to have feelings for another person while I was married. To have a wandering eye. It's not fair for me to have expectations on another person that they can't meet. It's not fair to either person. And I know this sounds like the whole "it's not you...it's me". But that's just it. It was me, not you. And I'm sorry. I should have been more gentle. I should have been more caring, more sensitive. And I'm also very sorry for that. I tried in my best way for a couple of years to communicate with you as to what I needed. And it just didn't happen. In a way I think it couldn't happen. A friend of mine told me that sometimes we need to make "big-girl decisions, and they're hard to make", she also told me that the most important thing I need to do is to "forgive myself". I'm having a hard time doing just that. I feel guilt, and it's heavy; trust me I carry it. You may think that I have just walked away, started anew and never look back. I'm looking. I'm seeing all the things that I took for granted, and I miss them terribly. I'm not looking in the rear view mirror through rose-colored glasses. I'm a realist, and a pessimist by nature. It's just the way the world has shaped me. I see the things that I really miss, and I can also see the reason why I left. I loved him. I still love him. I probably always will. And no one can hold the same place in my heart that he can. And that's just the way it is. I have a boyfriend...I know I move fast. Life is for living and life is what you make it. I'm trying to make a life and trying to live it all at the same time. My boyfriend is understanding of my feelings, he is kind and caring and careful with me. He, in a lot of ways has some of the same feelings for his ex. And I know that there is a place in his heart that I can never enter, that only belongs to her and that is that way it is, and the way it should be. I feel things that I haven't felt before. I want his children, I want a baby in my arms, I want a father to be there, I want a father who wants to be there for my child. No other man will do. I want to feel the weight of that baby as it grows inside of me, I want to feel the weight of that baby in my arms as I hold it tight. And I know one day the weight of that baby will change, and I will have to let go and watch that baby as it goes out into the world to do what it will do. And I'm hoping that whatever that baby does I can be proud of them. I hope I can be proud of myself. And I'm scared that for whatever reason I won't be able to have that child. Let me love you. Read me like braile if you have to. The book is open for you to read, and there are so many pages for new chapters to be written. I want life to slow down a little. I want to be able to take a step back and breathe. I feel like I'm struggling to breathe, and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. And sometimes I do in my own tears. But that's just it...they're my own tears. So if I do cry in front of you, either consider yourself "lucky" or "unlucky" because I don't cry much in front of others, not about this. My heart is a locked box and if you have a key keep in mind that there aren't that many keys out there. In a lot of ways I feel better about my life. I have a small little apartment I can call my own. About the size of a shoebox or a postage stamp and right next to school. I have friends. I go and do social things and connect with other people. And that is something I have missed for a long time. I've always wanted to feel a part of something bigger than myself. I've always wanted to have friends, and the time to spend with them. I'm a private person. And my quietness makes me even harder to know. But just know that I am listening to you, with open arms and eyes wide open I hear you, and I'm sorry if I don't have much to add right now.

Perspective

2010-11-14T11:33:00.000-08:00

I am trying to keep the big picture of everything in mind. The goals, the reasons why, the purpose...but sometimes it all just jumbles and I get lost in my thoughts and wonder where I am and what I'm doing.

This term has been especially hard on me. Inner turmoil has clouded my mind at times and threatened to derail me. I've drown in tears a couple of times. All the stress brings back really bad memories. Once there is a chink in my armour, life seems to know how and where to stab me so that it really counts.

If only there was a way to erase selected memories, forget all the bad things that have happened to me. Would that change me as a person? Would I become mean spirited and jaded because I would never have known suffering? Would I become vacuous and empty because I had never known pain?

Out of the ashes rose the Phoenix, ashes surrounded me last week. I keep a good front, I'm a pro and you'll never know unless I tell you that internally, in my mind, I'm falling apart; and having a hard time wanting to put myself back together again. And after it's all passed I come out even tougher than before. Like forged metal, harder, stronger and able to withstand more pressure than when I was in my raw form. It gives me even more resolution to do this, to continue, to keep at it, no matter what. I will conquer this nursing program and I will come out of it alive.

The goal, the purpose and the reasons:

1. have a better career that pays more money so I can work less
2. hubby quits or cuts back significantly on his hours because of my increased wage earnings, he feels better physically
3. take the extra time that I have with working less to focus on my writing, get published, that may be hard since print is somewhat dead.
4. travel, experience, enjoy, relax

Keep these things in mind and you will stay on the path.

Remember it's the little things that are what life is about. When you cuddle with your puppies, when you sit back and relax to watch a movie with your husband, the touch of his hand, the taste of food, the little buzz you get after you drink a beer and everything seems a little more magical, a relaxing hot shower, a hot bath you soak until your fingertips are pruned, dunking your head under the water and looking up at the ceiling as you hear life aquatic, the sound of a song that sings to your heart, the exhilerating feeling of the exercise high - endorphins rushing, the haunting sound of a cello (you will feel it again in your hands), the smell of stargazer lillies, the peak of an orgasm and the rush afterward, the feel of a gentle breeze, the sight of the turning and falling leaves, the feeling of a soft blanket on your skin, the adrenaline rush of driving a fast car, shifting gears, laughing so hard your stomach hurts, dreams in which you live another life, singing to yourself and your puppies...

this is what life is, a collection of small moments

This Impending Feeling

2010-10-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this feeling is related to school stress or not. I'm thinking not because I've had it now for a couple of months. This feeling that I'm going to die. Soon. I can't seem to shake it. And as the days go by the feeling gets stronger. Sometimes I look around my house as if it's going to be the last time. I wondered last night if that would be my last shower, the last time I used my shampoo, the last time I wrapped myself in a towel. I told my husband about this feeling and he says he has the same feeling about himself. That time is running out for him. And he worries about suffering in physical pain forever. His fear bigger than death is that he will live. I'm not afraid of my death. Just always wonder if this is going to be my last day. I'm not religious or even spiritual, I just don't know what will happen afterward, if anything will happen at all. I died once, or at least started to. I drown in a river while white water rafting. I sucked in a lungful of water and peacefulness descended upon me. My eyes saw sparkles of light in the water as the sun shone from above. I could see the treeline racing by as the rapids carried me. My dad fished me out of the water, casting his shirt arm like a fly fishing line, and I somehow grabbed hold of it. I don't remember a whole lot afterward, just that it was peaceful being there under the water. So I'm not scared if it does happen soon. I just can't get rid of this feeling. It creeps in and stays, whispering to me in the back of my mind and all it says is: soon.

I've had this feeling before when I was younger. In eight grade I sat on my kitchen counter and told my mother that someone in my family was going to die very soon. The next day my Great Aunt died. I really didn't know her, I more knew of her than knew her. So it was surprising to me that I would have a connection like that. That is the only other time I have had a feeling like this. But this time the feeling is about me.

I'm not sad, depressed, anxious a little yes...I feel as I normally feel, only now with a little tinge of finality.

Thankful

2010-07-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering life a lot lately, all the heavy existential questions. These so far are the things that I know and how thankful I am for each one.

I know that my childhood was the darkest time in my life. It was almost unsurvivable most times. My Grandma was right that it would get better. That my life would change and that I would be happy one day. My Grandma is always right, about everything.

I wished upon a star for my husband, every night, the same star. I wished for someone to come and take me from everything and love me. I got my wish. Wish upon stars, it works.

I am so thankful that in my years I was able to find and know what unconditional love is. Some people search their whole lives and never find it. Above all keep your heart open for love, no matter how much it may hurt.

I am thankful for music. Music is everything. Music can heal a broken soul, mend a wound, close a gap and bring people together. My husband played guitar with a Guatemalan man in Costa Rica, neither one spoke each other's language, but through their guitars they were able to communicate with the language of music.

I am thankful that I have the opportunity to go to school. Some people never have the opportunity. I am working hard toward a better life, a life I never thought I would live this long to see. I have a future.

I am thankful for most of the experiences of my past. They have shaped and molded me into the person that I am today. I see the choices I could have made in my life and the other people I could have become. The choice of suffering to have a better life was worth it.

I am thankful for the friends I have in my life. I'm not the easiest person to be friends with. My hangups prevent me from being close to you, and for you to know who I really am. Sometimes I tend to smother, and other times I seem to disappear. But you bear with me, sometimes (most times) are annoyed with me, but you are with me and that is all that matters.

I am thankful for all of my Grandparents: blood, step and adopted. Grandpa J taught me what it was like to live simply, quietly and with grace. To live a full life after so much tragedy. Grandpa Neil opened up my imagination, the one thing that saved me many times from a fate too terrible to say. I imagined a life outside of where I was. He gave me the gift of any life I could live inside of me. My Grandma Char, such a wise woman, taught me to never forget your youth and the struggles it presents. That even though a woman may grow older physically she is always a teenager in her heart. Bob, my friend, how I loved spending time with you. Thank you for all the fun we had, for all the lunches we sat and talked over. Your presence was a gift. I'm so happy to have received it.

Here are the little things that I love:

Running through a sprinkler on a hot day
Kisses from my dogs
The touch of my husband's hands
The sound of my husband's voice
My husband's music
The feeling of the wind
Riding my bike
Spending quality time with my friends doing nothing
Skinny dipping
Writing and escaping into my mind
Helping those who are hurting
Healing the wounded
Loving those who need it
Giving
The way the sun lights the trees against a cloudy day
The ocean

The Visitor

2010-06-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

I live in my adobe fortress. Quite comfortably locked away. Every once in a while someone will come along and glimpse the inside for a short amount of time. I let my guard down and unlocked the door. And in the process a window was opened. A window into another way. A new view outside. I don't let many people in. Only one has the key to my door.

Most people I know have never gotten past the front door, let alone step a foot inside. It's too risky. I learned a long time ago the only way to preserve yourself is to keep yourself. If no one knows you, no one can hurt you.

Sometimes it gets lonely in this adobe house. The dust on the windows blocks out the summer sun. The ghosts in the corners sit and stare. I keep them for entertainment, for ideas and for company. They are silent unless I speak to them, they reply in tongues that only I can understand, lest they share their ideas with one another.

The skeletons in the closet rattle as I walk by them, their bones clinking together remind me of times gone by.

The cellar holds the most darkest of secrets, safely sealed away in their mason jars, tiny little black holes inside clear glass. Once the jar seals it never opens again. The threat of that massive gravity alone keeps me from entertaining the idea. I've had to open a few before and I was nearly ripped apart.

The ceiling is where I have my hopes and dreams painted in script. If I look up I am reminded of why I am here.

Sometimes I let in a guest. And like a good hostess I show them around my humble abode, but gloss over the cracks in the walls. No one sees the cellar, the trap door hidden. The key I wear around my neck, always. You will have to kill me to get the key.

The guest made their self at home, and in the process opened a window that had been stuck for along time. A new view of the desert horizon, my desert garden. I stared out my window in awe. Loving every new sound that came my way. A new view of the sun in the horizon, the moon crawling over the plateau at night as the cactus blooms welcomed my favorite visitors, bats. I will leave this window open for them should they decide to come back.

This guest was different. I really enjoyed their company, I entertained them, I held them close, I fed their soul. After they opened the window they found a crack in the wall, studied it and picked at it. Before I realized what happened they had their hand around my key pulling at the chain around my neck.

I haven't had to use this weapon in a long time. Stored on the shelf above where the skeletons hang, their bones rattle and their jaws drop open when they see what I have come to get. The ghosts in the corner look with fascination as the light from the sun that dips in the horizon hits the blade of my Katana, for they once were visitors too.

2010-06-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to disect why I feel this way. When I try to start I just can't remember where I just was in the line of progression of thoughts. I have to learn to keep things to myself, keep it superficial...that's what everyone wants. No one really wants to know, and even though I sometimes feel like I will explode if I don't say something I just have to learn to swallow it down deeper. Shove it down. Keep my mouth shut, my thoughts to myself, my heart closed, my mind focused. This is the way that I should live life. But when I try and do that I feel so locked. But it's better for everyone, I guess.

I've been stuck here for what seems like forever...everyday is the same.

I love those that pass through, stay a while and change me. Some more than others. But everyone must keep going and I stay right here. I stay here and look around at those who are busily, hurridly living lives, experiencing life. And I am here, always right here, gathering dust. Someday I think the dust will be so thick that no one will recognize me. They want more, more than I can ever give. My answer is always "no", with some lame explanation. Not because I don't want to, but because of my prior promises. But sometimes I feel like breaking a promise, not for you, but for me.

To dissapear into the ether, turn my back on all that was me. Walk into the night and never return. You will all go on living your lives and I will become a faded memory of the girl that you used to know.

Whatever happend to her?

Loveletter to my Soulmate

2010-06-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

Darling,

It's only been one day since I saw you last. An hour bath and half a bottle wine later...I can't simply think of life without you. You are my everything. You complete me. You are the only solid thing in my life that keeps me grounded. You are the only one that I love. I knew it the day that I saw you.

I was behind a counter in a uniform, and you were free-roaming looking for lunch with a t-shirt that read FUCK THIS SHIT in Chinease written sideways. But what you got was love. I made your pizza and watched you eat it. Then with a come hither glance and a flick of my finger you were mine. But you alway had been. Since the beginning of time you had been mine. My lover, my friend, my confidant, my everything. We picked up where we left off in our last life. We held one another like we had been waiting for years to feel that feeling again. Our hands found all the right places, I finally felt safe in years, our eyes locked and everything else was history...

And now 3 glasses of wine (I'm a lightweight) and a lukewarm bath later (I ran out of hot water for our big bathtub) I'm here at the computer. Typing frantically trying to let go of all that is trapped inside of me that has been released by this bottle of wine.

Oh my god, how my heart aches for you. Your touch, your voice, your lingering stare, your smile, you...

What, my darling am I going to do without you? My heart is broken, my hands are empy of you, my heart is aching. Oh please come back safe...oh please never never leave me. Never die, never go, never fade away. I just don't know what I'm going to do without you.

No one could ever replace you, no one can ever come close. No one could ever want me, or have me the way you have.

We lived as captives and freed ourselves in Oregon. And now you are just on business in California, but you seem a world away. And here I am with a half bottle of wine drunk and tears streaming down my face. No one can replace the hole that you have left.

There must be something wrong with us.... you and I...so many couples are looking for a way to escape, but you and I are plotting a way never to part.

This house filled with puppies is still so empty without you. I find it hard to breathe without you. Is this what it will be like in my life without you? How could I ever go on? How could I ever be the same? How could I ever love again when I've had the best.

The one who saved my life. The one who has sacraficed everything he has for me. The one who has loved me no matter what. No one else can do any of those things, let alone all of them together. You give me a reason to live, a reason to play this stupid game of life. Without you who knows what would have become of me...I shudder to think of it.

No one before you wanted me...like a find in an antique store you dusted me off and polished me up. You uncovered the shine that had been there all along. You unleashed my heart, you taught me how to love, how to live without regulations and rules to keep me from being me. You love me for who I am and all my quirky idiosyncrasies. You accept me for who I am, just some weird loner girl who had no place to go. And the best part about it is that you don't try and change me.

You have been with me through so much, too much to even mention here. And you stay. And you stay. And you stay.

With so many outs, you cling to me...you need me...you want me....you love me...isn't that what we all, as humankind, want?

This is a really fucking good bottle of wine, Jesus Christ! I just can't stop and I can't stop thinking of you...wanting you....you....

Seep

2010-05-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

Tension flows from your body
I try to keep it away
My guard can't stay forever
And I feel your anger
Seeping into my body
I hide behind my smile
To keep your anger at bay
What will it be today?
Air so thick it's hard to breathe
I swim in your emotions
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
I wish I couldn't feel sometimes
Just be like everyone else
And let it all float away
But it sticks to me
No matter how hard I try
I keep trying to hide
Your emotions inside of me

2010-05-08T18:50:00.000-07:00

I rode my bike home from work today
cleared my mind in a thousand ways
just listened to the music as I pedeled away

I felt the wind race across my body
invited it to caress my lips, my hips my fingertips
felt it's icy fingers touch my torso,
then let go in the sunshine
it pushed me along the blacktop
a strong hand at my back
whipping blades of hair across my face
push me and pull me toward and away
hold me, let me go, be near, go away

2010-05-03T12:39:00.001-07:00

Tell me the words
I forgot them
They used to tumble from
My lips so easily
My thoughts of losing you
Leave me speechless
Breathless
Endless
I'll choose to swallow my words
Hold them deep inside
Until I know for sure
Who is taking you
Away from me
I'll keep my words
My thoughts
My feelings
Silent

Eulogy for Dana

2010-04-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

Dana,

Bits and pieces of my memories are coming together to reform you in my mind. The day that you called me to tell me that you were a father. The day that you helped us move, packing up our belongings into a U-haul when everyone else wanted to turn their backs and pretend that it wasn't happening. You understood why I had to leave.

You understood my hatred, my anger and my pain for the subject that was at hand. You were my blood and you could understand without any words being spoken.

I have pictures of us together, taken at K-Mart so long ago that the paper is now sepia colored. I'm on your lap in your arms and our smiles are so big that they threaten to overtake our very faces. I'm in my little pink dress with the puff sleeves, your wearing a western shirt that has brown panels on the shoulders. Your hair swept off to the side in that dashing seventies look that was so fashionable, mine was barely on my head but sticking strait up in a little faux hawk. Then a few years later with the same pose you in a jersey with an 11 on it, me in a purple shirt, matching smiles. A cheap background with fall colored leaves barely hanging onto trees in a pasture behind us, faded with time; like our relationship.

We both grew up, you went off to the military and I had such a fascination with your being there. I would think sometimes what it must be like to live in the barracks, to travel around the world, to follow in our Grandfather's footsteps.

I couldn't have been more than thirteen and you had just gotten your Volkswagen Beattle, you were so proud of it. We drove around with the stereo blasting and you shifting gears.

Tokyo Road by Bon Jovi was our song. We would get into Grandpa's pickup truck and drive around listening to that song as loud as it would go, over and over and over.

And now we're in the tattoo shop, you got your tongue pierced and were looking for another stud, I thought you were so badass for getting that! I let you drive my car and you made a u-turn on main street, another badass move.

Now I'm in your Z-24 in Butte and we're driving around. You worked at Pizza Hut and delivered pizza. Your car had a faint pizza smell even when there was none in it. You told me you got to drive to Evil Knievel's house and deliver pizza.

You came to town to visit Grandpa and you and I went and watched movies almost all day in the theatre. Nothing else to do in a small town. I felt so proud to have you next to me, us together. You were the bees knees in my eyes. You were the coolest thing that blew into town.

Pieces and parts of you and me and the memories we had.

Take me back to Tokyo Road.

Our lives got busy, you moved away and we never kept in touch. I always thought that we would have the time to catch up. I always thought that I didn't have anything exciting enough to talk about. But when we did talk or get together it was as if we had never missed a step. We could just fall in place with one another.

The last time we talked was when Grandpa died. That was over three years ago. And before that we would talk only once in a while. You living your life and me mine. Until I heard that you were gone.

So quick. You're gone.

And all of these memories of you that I hold will only be that, memories of a person that used to be, of a person that I looked up to and admired as a little girl.

I think of the children that you leave behind, the grieving wife the emptiness in your parent's hearts. I think of the driver that accidentally pulled out in front of you on your motorcycle and what they must be feeling. And I think of the gift of life that you are giving to those who are in need, the gift of your body. And with that thought I know that you will live on, you have given life to many and memories to me.

Goodbye Dana, I loved you, I admired you, I will miss you.

2010-04-12T08:40:00.000-07:00

I awaken from my deadly sleep
and hear the words that tumble from your lips
sorry
My cross is heavy
and I just want to put it down
but when I look back on it lying there
it looks so lonely and I feel weightless
I've become used to the splinters
the words tumble from my lips
sorry
So I pick it back up and replace the nails
that rightfully belong in my wrists
why can't someone else take this from us

We eased into every day with sleep in our eyes and the sweet smell of sex on our bodies. We would watch the sun set and start our day with lunch or dinner, work some meaningless job for a while and fall back into each others arms as the small hours of the morning slowly crept toward us. We would drive for no reason, drive anywhere we wanted. We took the car to a hundred and it felt like we were standing still, because our love was so fast so hard and so forceful that it went beyond time and space and speed. Just like the scenery blurring past us through the windows as we held hands speeding down that highway, that was how we lived life. Everything else around us was a blur. The only thing I saw clearly was you. Lost in your swimming pool blue eyes, I could swim forever.

We shudder awake to an alarm, the sun's rays stabbing through the curtain trying to enter our still sleeping brains. We trudge off to work or school and feel ourselves being sucked dry. We come home and fall down from fatigue. I cry in silence when no one can hear. Time has sped up, the years are flying by and I have to shout to be heard above all the noise. We fight for what little time we have. People and corporations pick off little pieces of us until there is nothing left but our carcasses that a buzzard would just fly over and ignore. Our jobs are hungry and can never eat until they are full. I'm drowning, save me.

A longstanding wound

2010-04-09T02:45:00.000-07:00

I wish that I was more musically inclined. I have always wished this. I wish that I could have the guts to get up in front of people and sing to them. But when I even think about doing this I get nervous. I don't tell very many people this wish that I have, it just opens a tear that isn't healed yet, or if it's healed it's so deformed with scar tissue that it just will never be the same. I think that is one of my biggest fears is to sing in front of people. I can sing to myself, sing in my car, sing at home when no one is around. But the moment I sense that someone can hear me I shut up.

I love music, I surround myself with it almost all the time. I've always loved music, a wide array of music. I'm willing to entertain anything and even find redeeming aspects in certain songs or genres that I don't really like.

I've always used music to heal my hurts and celebrate my highs. I can recall certain memories with just a hint of a tune. I can listen to a song and float on the melody and let it just take me away. When I'm sad a song can bring me back, when I'm angry a song can help me to the other side of anger.

I love to sing. I used to sing a lot, I could sing in front of people with ease and not feel self conscious at all. But a hurtful comment meant to cut me to boost another's self esteem killed it. That was over fifteen years ago, maybe longer and I haven't been able to get it back. I just can't get past that moment. I felt so humiliated and so exposed. I vowed that I would never sing in front of another person again the way I sang before. A vow that I've kept even to this day.

When I was a young girl I used to write songs all the time. I had an emotional upbringing and through that pain and anger I was able to create a lot of songs for myself. I'm sure that none of them were potential top 40 hits or whatever, but I really enjoyed it. I love the creativity of putting feelings and thoughts on to paper and then making a song.

I used to sing in the church choir and then my high school choir. I loved to sing Dvorak.

I've heard good comments about my voice from others, in fact I've heard more good comments than I have bad comments.

My husband is a musician. Music comes easily to him, even though he will deny that. I can see it, it just flows out of him. He can sing in front of others with no hint of stage fright at all, he can play his guitar and let the melody just fill the air around him.

The only time that I sing in front of him is if I'm mocking myself. So out of the ten plus years that we have been together and married, he never has really heard my voice. I purposefully make my voice so bad that he can't help but laugh, and I can't help but laugh because it sounds so bad. I hide behind the comedy. It's safer to make fun of yourself first before anyone else can have the chance to beat you to it. No one can point out your flaws to you or critique you if you never show them.

Why have I let one comment cut me so badly, wound my soul and give me such a complex?

Why do we all tend to focus on the negative instead of the positive?

I'm sure that you have experienced it...you're going along your day and everything is hunky dory and then some asshole comes along and shits on your parade. And for the rest of the day you try and try to get back that feeling that you had before the asshole, but you can't help but focus on the asshole. Or one day you were singing along to a song with the radio and someone told you how much you sucked. The very person that you wanted so much to impress and be a part of. So you built a wall that was constructed so good that you can't even knock it down if you tried.

I don't know how or if I will ever get over my stage fright of singing in front of other people. I would love to one day just go to some seedy lounge and sing next to a piano in a sparkly cocktail dress, sing a siren song of love lost or found. Of course none of you could be there to watch because if you were I wouldn't be able to sing.

Priorities

2010-03-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago I had a brush with what I thought was going to be my destiny. I went to the emergency room because I couldn't control the pain that I was in. So with lots of drugs they were able to make me feel somewhat normal again. For good measure they took a CT scan of my abdomen. They all said that it was normal and that I should just go home.

The next day I got a call from my doctor who started to ask me if I had ever smoked before, had I been coughing up blood, do I have an uncontrollable cough. He told me that "they" found something on my CT scan and that I have to get it looked at right away. They found a spot on my lung.

I couldn't help but think the worst, but I was incredibly calm. It was only a day and a half wait to go and see the pulmonologist, but in that day and a half I lived my life totally different.

Everything that I had been working so hard to accomplish for my future dissapeared from view. It didn't matter anymore. Instead of thinking about life in terms of ten years from now, I was thinking about life ten hours from now, ten days from now, ten months from now.

I went through the scenarios quietly in my head. The only one who knew what I may be facing was my husband. And without knowing for sure I didn't want to tell anyone else. I pictured myself getting the news that I had lung cancer. I would accept that news. What would my reaction be. Maybe I would cry a little and then I would move on. Crying would be wasting time, precious time that could be used on getting better, or getting my things in order.

I had always said that I was ready to die. And it was in this light that I lived. I truly am ready to die whenever my time comes. After this dry run I am ready.

I have found the love of my life, we have a happy, loving and peaceful home together.

I have friends that care about me and love me unconditionally.

I tell everyone how I feel about them, good or bad.

I tell people in my life that I love them, because I do.

I have a good working atmosphere.

I accomplished one of the major goals in my life, to get through all my prerequisits for school.

My family knows how I feel about them. That may sound harsh, but you don't know my family.

I don't have children so I wouldn't have to worry about their future.

My plan was if I was told that I had cancer to see whether is was going to be an easy fix, meaning could it just be removed, or a simple round of radiation therapy. Or would it be a lengthy battle, possibly a fight that would last years and cost thousands if not hundreds of thousands of dollars.

If the fight was going to be an unfair one. I was prepared to fold. I was going to go where life took me every moment. I was going to work my job for maybe another month, then quit and say the things to stupid customers I have always wanted to say. I was going to travel with what little time I had left. I was going to spend all of it with my husband. Every waking minute, because I can't get enough of him.

Eventually I was going to go, quietly without a fight. I am not scared of death. It is mearly a passage into something else. I don't know if there is another side, or what there is after this. Whatever it is I am not afraid.

The one thing that I learned the most from this experience is that I live too much for the future and not enough for the now.

Various random thoughts and ponderings

2010-02-15T08:09:00.001-08:00

It's a great feeling to be on the other side of a major uphill journey. I am looking back and recounting everything in my head and asking myself: how did I do that? I just did it. I didn't sit and think about it for long, because there was never time to think about the things in my life that probably needed my attention. I just had the time to do my homework, work, eat and go to bed. Now I have a small amount of time to myself, not much with my husband still. I'm hoping that will change soon...

I've decided that I really have to get back into shape and the best motivation for me is going to be my neighbor's dog. If I tell my neighbor that I am going to take the dog for a walk then I feel as though I have committed to something and I must follow through. Not necessarily for myself, but for the good of the dog. The benefits for myself with follow. This is how I trick myself into doing something that I have no motivation for at this exact moment in time.

I know that once I get rolling again with my walks and running that I will continue and it will seem like a normal routine part of my day like it used to be. But I have to start at the bottom again. Oh well.

I worked for a small amount of time, the required 75 hours in a long term care facility. At night when I dream, I am still working there. I didn't particularly like it, but I did find it incredibly rewarding. People really thank you for wiping their butts, feeding them, dressing them, bathing them and doing little things for them that they can no longer do. I gave a woman one of the last baths that she would receive, after I left she died within the next week. She was a cool lady, a bit lost in her head at times, but I can understand. After her bath she felt like a new woman, she was talkative, wanted to sit outside her room and watch television with other people. Wanted a cup of coffee and told me to "take it easy". This was the last words that I would hear from this 91 year old woman. She also told me that getting a bath was as much fun as a barrell of monkeys. I then asked her where she thought that expression came from. She told me that at some point someone must have thought that monkeys were funny, but she thought that they were quite stupid. I couldn't help but laugh at that one. She was also very ticklish on her feet and would laugh like a little school girl when you scrubbed them for her. I didn't know her very long, but I'm glad that I had her in my life for such a short time.

I think that a quote from Marilyn Monroe is very fitting for me. She once said that she "likes people, but hates the public". I would have to agree. The two are totally different. People are interesting, fascinating and most times charming to be around. The public is demanding, torturous and flippant. Why is it that the essense of people get lost in the public? Some people don't, some people just stay themselves when they go out in public, and others become subhuman pieces of trash.

Well, enough for my errant ramblings, I have procrastinated enough...I have to go walk the dog now. The dog needs me.

wait

2009-12-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

Endless amounts of work to do
no time to do them all
things fall by the wayside
the wayside turns into a highway
carrying away my dreams
leaving me alone and empty
by the roadside
wait...
Endless amounts of work to do
no time to do them all
things fall by the wayside
the wayside turns into an ocean
the ocean carries away my hopes
and leaves me as food
for the sharks in my head
wait...
Endless amounts of work to do
no time to do them all
things fall by the wayside
the wayside turns into a speeding train
left the station long ago carrying my happiness
I sit by the tracks
wondering if it will come back
wait...
Endless amounts of work to do
no time to do them all
things fall by the wayside
the wayside turns into a giant clock
that sits on my wall and ticks ticks away
all the time that I need to get everything done
I stare and wonder if it will stop
wait...

okay so I overreact a bit...

2009-12-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not totally fucking fucked. And it's a little comical to go back and look at this last post now. But that's the way I felt then. Everything should be fine now. All I have to do is the next time I work fax the board of pharmacy my last ce for law and then a pitiful excuse as to why I didn't do it within the time specified.

My excuse will go something like this...

Because my life is a whirlwind of school and work and everything else and I'm sorry but it just slipped my mind like so many other things do.

I know...pretty lame, but that's the truth.

Today is my lab final in Microbiology. I've really liked that class and can see myself in another life growing up to be a microbiologist. Mainly because I think that I could work alone or with a small group of people and I wouldn't have to deal with the public.

If you can't tell already, I don't like the public. I like people...not the public.

And dare I say, I've become the very thing that I used to bitch about all the time...

okay now we are on a new topic so follow along people...

I am a texter, a cell phone user and I am connected in the 21st Century. I know, a big step for me! Today I switch out my phone for a brand new one. I'm going with the Android - or the Moment, whatever the fuck you want to call it. I call it a phone.

The possibilities with this phone are wonderful, it has turn by turn GPS, music storage, reminders so I can organize my chaotic life, voice command so I can tell it to go fuck itself when I get pissed and have to yell at someone (I wonder what it will do then, will it just vibrate in my hand?), and it has a whole bunch of other shit I haven't had time to look at. But when I go to the phone store today I'm going to have them show me how to do all that shit with it.

My husband decided to go with the Palm Pre, and that is a nice phone too. The keyboard is really different looking, and it's tiny, super tiny. You type on the keyboard with your fingernails, just the tips of your fingernails.

It's been really nice to text back and forth with my husband. We text all day long, it's like we're teenagers again. All of our texts involve: I luv u, can't wait to c u, I miss u, u make me horney...you know stupid shit like that. But it's fun and it's really connected us again. School has somewhat driven a wedge between us and believe it or not, technology is bridging that gap. We were so not into the cell phone scene, we hated it when people would just sit there and text one another and never look up or around at their surroundings. And now we are those very people. Hell, we've texted one another when we were two feet away from each other! Just messing around with our phones, but still. It's addictive.

And another new subject...

My mom is coming out to visit soon, this coming Monday. It will be finals week, but it's really the only week that I have with her. I don't think that we have spent one on one time together for years and years. So this will be really nice to catch up and reconnect. The older I get the more I find that not only do I love my mom, but I like her too. Funny how when you're a child you don't really see your parents as people, they are mom and dad. You don't equate them with having feelings, and a desire to have their own lives. It's not until you go out to live your own life that you can step back and realize that they are people. At least that was the way it was for me.

Totally fucking fucked!

2009-11-27T22:04:00.001-08:00

I'm so sick of all of this goddamn bullshit! Motherfucker!

Today I get a letter in the mail from the Board of Pharmacy wanting to audit me on my CE hours for 1 hour of law between 9-1-08 and 8-31-09. I don't fucking have it. I can't even remember in my fucking head if I even did it!

Now what?

Do I loose my license and then my job and then my house and then I have to live in a fucking cardboard box?

Jesus Fucking Christ! I'm so fucking sick of it. It seems like everyday something, some piece of shit something comes up and takes a big fucking dump on my day. Can I just get through one fucking day when I don't have to eat fucking Valium like candy to deal with the shitfest that is my life?

I can't take this shit anymore! Fucking hell!

Now I have to wait on pins and needles until fucking Monday when I find out my fate.

I can't even think of a word strong enough to summarize all of this whirlwind of shit.

So the freak out that I had about my CPR card got taken care of, I just have to turn it in when I get it. But if I didn't contact her I would have been kicked out of the program. So now what is going to happen with this?

I seriously am not mentally capable of handling this right now. I just want to fucking drink myself to death or just take a whole fucking bottle of pills because I can't deal with all of the stress. Is this really what life is going to be, one fucking heart attack after another? I'm seriously kinda scared to wake up in the morning because what the fuck is going to crash down on me today. Probably a fucking piano. Or a bus, or a fucking truck.

FUCK!!!!!!

My happy bubble has been burst

2009-11-25T18:21:00.000-08:00

It seems like with school it is one pain in the ass after another. I can't fucking wait until all of this shit is over with and I can have a life again. I don't even remember what it was like to have a life, let alone live that life. I used to like to write short stories, I used to like to hang out with friends, I used to like to bake, to draw, to talk to my loved ones. I used to be human. But now I just feel like a machine. A machine that goes to school, collects data, regurgitates the data, then goes to work, helps people with all their shit and then comes homes and has nothing left for myself or my husband.

I have to have my CNA in order to apply for the nursing program. I am slated to get into the class the beginning of January. Let me tell you that was no small feat, that was a fucking nightmare just to get in to a CNA class.

Now, my CPR certification has lapsed. So I re-certified, I go to class with a CPR trainer. Easy enough. Oh, no. Everything has to be fucking last minute on all of this bullshit. My CPR card still hasn't gotten here and I have to have it by the end of the month or else...or else I don't know.

Valium. Just give me a fucking IV already. I just want to be sedated...

twenty,twenty,twenty four hours ago, I wanna be sedated...nothin to do nowhere to go, I wanna be sedated... That is my fucking theme song right now.

Jesus fucking Christ on a stick. Why can't things just go fucking easy for once! AHHHHHHH!

So I emailed the gal in charge of the CNA stuff and I'm hoping that she will have further mercy on me and allow me to turn it into her when I get it. Could be the beginning of December...who knows. Hopefully I will know something by the end of the week, Friday.

Tomorrow, no work, no school, just a day off with my husband. Finally a day off together with no interruptions and then this fucking worm crawls into my head and starts to lay it's fucking eggs.

I swear to God I need medication. I need something that will make me just fucking forget everything, not worry about things so much. Just fucking relax. I'm wound up so fucking tight that I just can't not think. I keep thinking these horrible thoughts. Well, to me they are horrible.

1. for some reason I don't get my CPR card in time and a little piece of fucking paper holds me back a whole fucking year from applying/getting into the nursing program.

2. I get into the CNA program, but work isn't able to work with my schedule anymore and I get put on the float team where there are: a. no hours, b. hours but they are in Madras or some bullshit like that.

I just can't take this stress anymore. I really feel like I'm going to crack. I've had this feeling for the past two weeks like I'm on the verge of having a seizure. A fucking grand mal seizure where I just lose my shit and start flopping around like a fish, then go into a coma and fucking die. Or maybe it's because I need to get my eyes checked. Either way, it's just one more thing...

Valium

I need to start counting my blessings, but I'm too fucking busy with school to realize how blessed I am. I'm stressed the fuck out! AHHHHHHH!

I'm just ranting at this point, but who the fuck cares, because I really really really think that I'm crazy now. Maybe that would just be easier...to be crazy. To just lose all my fucking marbles and have to rely on the state and other people to take care of my crazy ass. Then I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Okay, somehow I have to get this thought, this terrible thought out of my mind.

BTW - I speel chucked this bich

The end is near

2009-11-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

Well, today I finished up a grewling schedule of work, midterms and trying to carve out time for studying. Still no time for myself, hence the lack of blogging. I really do have a lot to say. Just no time to say it.

All I want to do is just get away from all of it. The phone, the computer, the email, school, work - everything. I think that I would really enjoy a deprivation chamber about now. Just lock me in a dark room with nothing but warmth and that would be just fine for me.

This is a totally lame blog. But I really don't have anything left in me. Just thought that I should at least type something into the ether.

other people's shoes

2009-11-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

I always try to put myself in other people's shoes, try to imagine walking a mile or two in their position. I guess this makes me a bleeding heart, or mother theresa, or whatever else you want to call it. I just call it the golden rule.

I remember distinctly as a child learning the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

An unfortunate soul came into my life last night at work. He was beat up badly, in need of the basics, food and shelter. The food I could provide, the shelter I tried my best.

In the end I wasn't able to find him a place to stay. It appears that if you are homeless and happen to find yourself in that position during a weekend night, you are pretty much screwed. It compounds your unfortunateness if you are a young male.

If this person happened to be a young woman, there would have been no problem in finding "her" a place to stay for the night, a week or even a month.

At first this person seemed to have just got down on some really bad luck, a horrible misfortune and an attack on top of it. Life seems cruel to those who need kindness most. I tried my best to give him what he needed at the time. He was kind and thoughtful and you could tell by the way that he talked he was educated at some point, even though he was so young. 23.

Toward the end, I could see the psychosis come through. There was definitely more to this story than he was really wanting to say. He probably didn't know that what he was saying was sounding so outlandish and fantastic. I tried to connect the dots, asked some questions, but the answers never gave the correct sum of the parts.

I did what I could and I had to walk away. I hated that feeling, of not being able to fully help. I just hope that what little help I did provide actually did/meant something to him.

I don't know any other way to be. I tease and say that I'm an ice queen with no heart. And it is true, if you fuck me over you are dead to me. But if I see that you need help, I will be the first one to reach out to you. I still can't tell if this is a good quality that I want to keep or if it is just putting me inadvertently in harms way.

Should I just be like everyone else and just walk away when I see someone that needs help? Every fiber in my being wants to help those who cannot help themselves. It is so rewarding to me to act in altruistic ways. I don't want, expect or care if I get anything back from these situations, all I want is to know that they will be okay.

So who knows what happened to this mysterious son of misfortune. Was he able to get the rest of the help that he needed? Was he able to make it through the night, did he sleep?

a page from my journal

2009-11-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

I can't help but feel this emptiness inside of me. I am emotionless, devoid and just feel like I am here, but not really here.

I shed my first couple of tears last night, but I can't honestly tell you why I cried. Only a few escaped their perch upon my lower lid and tumbled down my cheek to be quickly wiped away.

I put on a show, a smiling face (generally) at work. Always have to be happy for the customer you know. And I think I pretend that I can handle all of this stress, and I'm trying to keep lying to myself to tell myself that I can. If I believe my lie enough, then I won't question myself and my abilities to juggle so much stuff at once.

But my facade is cracking, and this could have something to do with the season. The forced season of happiness and joy, Christmas. How I loathe you, how I totally and completely hate you.

But I can't let my mind go there yet, not when there are so many other things to think about.

I have to be perfect: perfect grades, perfect wife, perfect student, perfect worker, perfect perfect. But inside I just feel like running away. Following the road and going to where it takes me. Not knowing where I will be.

I really feel like I have lost myself in this whole process of school. I am so consumed with keeping to the schedule and getting the grades and doing everything right that I no longer am who I was. There are moments that shine through when I feel like myself again.

I'm not depressed, no...I just feel nothing.

I live my happiness and my joy in my head, because that's the only place where it exists right now. So if you see me smiling for no reason, I'm probably on autopilot, I'm not here, so leave me a message and when I have time I will get back to you. The lights are on, but the one who is home is no longer answering the door.

I live my life to the tick of a clock. Everywhere I look I am obsessed with what time it is. Because every minute of every day I have to be somewhere else other than with myself. I no longer belong to myself, I belong to all the others.

But I will keep lying to myself for another five weeks, and after finals I will go insane and finally start to feel like myself again. And then just when I am all better, I will start a new term. Because this is my life.

This is my life.

feel my wrath...

2009-10-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

In microbiology I sit near the door as I do with every class. Usually there is no problem with this arrangement. However on Wednesday there was a big problem, the math teacher next door.

Now, I don't know what crawled up her ass, but every time she walks out of her office which is right next door to our room she always glares at us. Okay, fine, your just jealous because we are such a good looking group of people and you hate what you see in the mirror every morning.

So stupid math teacher (smt) gets approached my loud mouth (lm). LM comes over to her office and starts to have this really LOUD conversation about her children and why she can't sleep and how the flu is going around and how there are too many absenteeisms. Then SMT starts up and pretty soon the conversation is really frickin loud. So loud that I can't hear the voices in my head let alone the MY teacher trying to explain glycolysis, fermentation, krebs cycle, electron transport chain... So I get up and give them the ice glare in hopes that they shut the fuck up. And I kick the stopper up on the door, all but slam it shut because the stopper sticks on the ground again. Then go back and sit down. My classmates are scared shitless of me and my teacher gives me a wary glance thinking that I'm going to just kill someone or something.

Then the whole rest of the class hour I'm thinking of what I should have sait to SMT and LM.

I swear to GOD if either one of them opens their big mouth during my test today they are going to get it!

For starters: I pay their salary, I'm a student trying to learn about science not your stupid fucking personal life, and you are also disrupting the rest of the class not just the bitch thats going to kick your ass who sits in the front fucking row!

DON'T FUCK WITH ME BITCH - I'M OUT FOR BLOOD AND I WON'T STOP UNTIL I GET IT!

okay, i feel better now! :)

small regrets

2009-09-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

I try to live my life as if there were no tomorrow. Some days I succeed in living this way, and others I fall very short.

I have traveled quite a bit this past week or two. Many plane rides with strangers. Some who talked my ear off and others who didn't say anything at all.

But it was one that still sticks in my mind. It is one that I wish I would have done more. He was young. Sleeping and tired. I was sleepy and tired as well. We both sat in our own worlds for the first half of the six hour flight. I had my earbuds stuffed in my ears to drown out the sound of the plane and the baby crying a few seats up. I wanted to share my music with him. Take one of my earbuds and push it into his ear while he was asleep to see what he would do.

I think of random things like this often. Sometimes I act on them and sometimes I don't.

I know now that after talking to him and getting to know him that he would have enjoyed that. He would have liked to have some random girl sitting next to him push her music onto him. He was young and smart, so smart that I couldn't keep up. I'm not saying I'm the smartest person, but when I meet another person who is smarter than I am and they are not afraid to show it, I'm in awe. I enjoy their flaunting of their random trivia knowledge that really doesn't apply to every day life.

So we talked for a long while and when it was time to say goodbye we gave each other a little wave in the terminal. He went his way and I went mine. I wish I had his name, I wish I would have friended him on Facebook, or something to keep in touch with him. But I didn't, and that I regret. I will never see him again, I will never know his fate.

Maybe the anninimoty is what made it more special. The fact that we didn't share names. He was just a boy and I was just a girl and we were just traveling to different places.

Monica

2009-09-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

I just met her once at a party next door and saw her at her sister's wedding a few months earlier. She and I talked a lot that night at the party. She sat next to me by the fire while their dog slept in my lap. I taught her how to shoot tequilla, we laughed a lot together that night. She told me about all of her other attempts, she told me how she felt better. She told me that she moved here to start a new life. She told me that she was excited to start school. She told me she didn't take her medication anymore because she felt worse on it, now without it she felt "normal". Her 21st birthday was on the 17th. Her dad found her, he is unconsolable, griefstricken and heartbroken. His house no longer his house, just empty walls.

I wish I had made it more clear that I was just next door for her if she needed me. I wish she was 21 and that we would be able to carpool to college together. I wish I had realized that she really wansn't okay.

I understood her pain. I don't understand exactly why she did it, or what was troubling her so badly. I've been there myself. I had a plan too. But I didn't do it because I kept telling myself that it "had to get better than this -there has to be more to life than this". And there was and still is. My pain has never left me, it has branded itself on my heart where no one else can see. I cover it well. And I keep looking forward to better things. I moved here too to start anew, to wash away the old and to keep the demons of the past at bay. It helped me immensly, I wish it could have helped her too.

Goodbye Monica.

Space Exploration - the space between my ears...

2009-09-11T18:57:00.001-07:00

I really do think that we are visited from others from out of this world. Exactly "what" the others are is still out for debate. I tend to think that the others who are visiting us are us from the future. Yes, US!

Somehow we find a way to completely fuck up the world and we send our best and brightest out into space to colonize. They multiply and over time evolve to the atmospheres and planets that they call home. Ultimately because of this evolution they change shape, color and possibly lack the need for a mouth or a butthole, and maybe that is why they are so fascinated with ours...

In any sense they are curious to their origins, just like we are for a time in our lives. So they take a trip back "home" to the blue planet to see what exactly is happening. And they view the past for themselves. Some try to help possibly, most try to just stay hidden.

As for the butt probing...maybe we are totally underestimating how great a butthole is in our time and maybe they miss theirs. Just a thought. Enough on the butts for now...

My mother-in-law a devout Catholic swears that she has seen an alien craft as well as my sister-in-law. And I really believe that they have seen it. They both describe it in very detailed, precise manner, and they are not the type of people to try and fool you. They really did have this experience.

I don't believe all the alien stories that I hear of course, but some are plausible. And you have to admit that a lot of things are possible. It may not make sense here on this planet, but it may make sense on another. And as for planets there are millions, billions, trillions, quadrillions.

How could you not believe that there is other life out there?

As for us exploring space I can't really decide if it is a waste of money or not. I think that it is wasteful in general. We have created a lot of space junk that orbits the earth and may potentially harm us in the future. If we could find a way to make a space craft that didn't require so many extra boosters that were sloughed off after launch and was reusable time and time again; not to mention reliable. This could create a lot of jobs for people in this economy. But we need to be realistic about where we are going to explore, why we are going to explore and what that means for us here on Earth.

And maybe we should be examaning our butts more often...maybe the butt is the key to the future.

The Moon Landing

2009-09-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

So my friend Tiina sent me a link to the Onion about the supposed hoax of the moon landing. In it featured an interview with Neil Armstrong who was acting pretty dickish about the whole thing. Here read it for yourself: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conspiracy_theorist_convinces_neil?utm_source=EMTF_Onion

Obviously Neil Armstrong is having to create this display of fake emotion because he could possibly be in real danger if he told the truth. The moon landing was faked. But Neil can't very well tell us the truth because if he does he will be rubbed out by the government. It won't be until he is on his deathbed that he will admit that it was an elaborate hoax to fool the Russians into thinking that we were the greater country.

Think about the technological advances at the time of the sixties. A computer was the size of a few refrigerators and at that it could only do very limited functions that any normal brain could do. Add, subtract, multiply, divide and so forth. It had the computing capacity of a calculator we have today. Not the fancy TI calculators, the solar powered simple calculators. It just cannot be done.

Our government wanted very badly to convince not only the Russians but other countries and it's own citizens that we were far superior and had the upper hand in desiging, building and industry. They would have done anything to do this. The simple way: create a hoax of a moon landing, show it on national television and watch the world go bonkers over the fact that we are such a great nation and we did it first!

Of course I don't have any evidence to support these claims, and I am a patriot to my country. But I just don't really believe in everything I'm told. Maybe this makes me a conspiracy theorist - or maybe it just makes me crazy. Probably the latter.

The cutest thing...

2009-09-04T21:38:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I'm pretty jaded when it comes to my job and dealing with people. BUT, the cutest kid came in with his dad (who wasn't too bad looking himself). The kid had a bandage around his arm and handed me a prescription for an antibiotic. I asked him what he did to his arm. He is five, wearing jammies with footsies that have penguins and snowflakes on them.

"I have an infection on my arm and now it's in my body and I need the medicine to help my body, but for the most part I'm doing okay."

I don't know about you - but that is fuckin' cute as hell!

I later found out that he really likes dinosaurs and we talked about tricerotops, brontosaurus and other plant eating dinosaurs as he did not like the ones that ate other dinosaurs. He also likes animals with sharp teeth.

That pretty much made my night, dealing with someone who wasn't stupid, and who was really really cute and adorable.

And to answer your next question...no, I still don't want one.

Thank You Anonymous (Tiina)

2009-09-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, anonymous quoted almost verbatem the exact stupid quote of the day!

You know that something stupid or just plain weird is going to come out of their mouth when as they are walking up to the counter toward you they are having a conversation with themselves. Clearly they are disturbed by the questions that are rolling around in the empty space between their ears. But nontheless the stupidity comes tumbling out of their mouths. (Now, I want to make a distinction here between crazy and stupid. Crazy is different than stupid, crazy is entertaining and kinda sad. Stupid is just, well...fucking stupid! And therefore deserves to be blogged about.)

So stupid rolls up to my counter muttering to herself, her eyebrows knit together in fierce concentration. And she asks me:

"Can you tell me what time my husband's doctor's appointment is?"

I just kind of look at her and turn my head to the side giving her a bit of the stink eye, like Larry on Curb Your Enthusiasm. I can't believe what is actually coming out of her mouth. Is she joking?

"Um, no I can't." I say to her seriously, because I'm still a little dumbfounded by the stupidity.

"Oh, you can't?" She asks me as if I was lying to her about my abilities to bend space and time.

"No...that's something that you would have to call his doctor's office about, they would know that with their computers." I say this with the most angelic smile and tone in my voice because now I am aware that she is hopelessly, helplessly and never going to recover from being stupid.

So does stupid think that all computers are linked together? That maybe there is just one giant computer controlling them all and somehow she is the only one that knows this dangerous information? Where would this "master" computer be? Certainly not between her ears.

Let's recap: I work in a PHARMACY, not at a DRS OFFICE as so many people think. When they walk through the big glass doors out front and through a fucking grocery store, they are obviously not in their doctor's office. If this is what their doctor's office looks like, well I would really like to go there and see for myself just what kind of "medicine" they practice.

Because their is no shortage of stupid people and stupid comments, as well as weird scenarios like: being yelled at by a customer for laughing and smiling at work (that actually did happen - I thought he was going to bust the vein in his forehead he was so mad that I was so happy ~ which in turn made me just more happy to see him more mad, it was really a thing of beauty this exchange).

Or the person who gets totally pissed at you because they just talked to "you" on the phone and "you" told them that their shit would be ready in five minutes, and low and behold after they come to your place of work, hunt you down because you have the same name as another person then begin to treat you like dirt then suddenly remember (and people, you can actually see the lightbulb go off in their head!) that they fill their shit somewhere else! (seriously, if she forgot where she fills her shit at and is that fucking confused, please share whatever kind of drug you are on with me - it will make working with the public a lot less painful!)

For your delight and review will be born The Doofis Report - a seperate blog and an official report of all the happenings in the community of stupidity.

Something about them drives me crazy...

2009-08-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

I think it's stupidity...I often wonder how they get dressed in the morning. Do they have to recite to themselves to put one leg in their pants at a time? And just the thought of them driving scares the hell out of me.

Why am I on a rant? Well, I just got a really funny email about phone calls that were received at a golf course. And the level of shere genius in these calls reminded me of what I deal with on a daily basis. The public.

Here are some actual phone calls that I get on a daily basis, I will recite them verbatem, then I will reform my answer to what I would like to say.

Caller: I want to refill my prescription.
Silence....
Me: And who are you? And what medicine would you like?

What I would like to say:
Caller: I want to refill my prescription.
Silence...
Me: Yippee! We get to play guessing game! First I'm going to guess your name, then I'm going to guess what medicine you want and when you come to the pharmacy to get your shit, we'll see if I guess right!

Caller: What do you mean my prescription doesn't have any refills! I'm suppose to take this for the rest of my life! You can't just not fill this!
Me: Well, your doctor did only write for a year's worth of medication on this, that is pretty standard. If you would like I can contact the doctor for you and get you more refills.

What I would like to say:
Caller: What do you mean my prescription doesn't have any refills! I'm suppose to take this for the rest of my life! You can't just not fill this!
Me: Do you have your glasses on? Good. Now take a look at your bottle and you will see something called a zero where it says refills. Now, what that means is that you don't have any refills left. And as for taking this for the rest of your life...well, clearly your life is over. You should just give up now.

Caller: Do you know when my doctor will get back to you?
Me: I'm sorry I don't.

What I would like to say:
Caller: Do you know when my doctor will get back to you?
Me: Well, let's see...you called the PHARMACY, I know this is going to be hard for you to understand but just follow me here. Ready...I don't work for your doctor, so I don't know when they are going to call us back. Nor do I know his schedule, what the office situation is like or whether they are even in the office at this moment.
Me: I'm so sorry my crystal ball is hazy, please call back later.
Me: If I could tell the future I sure as hell wouldn't be working here!

Caller: But my vicodin isn't for my migraine, it's because I stubbed my toe really bad!
Me: All I can do is refer you to your doctor, you will need to talk to them.

What I would like to say:
Caller: But my vicodin isn't for my migrain, it's because I stubbed my toe really bad!
Me: Wow! I didn't know that vicodin was a smart pill. Really! It can pinpoint exactly where to go? And how exactly did you stub your toe, is it because you tripped over an invisible nothing in your super high bender after your ground up and snorted the first bottle of vicodin that we gave you? I hate that when that happens.

Heaven

2009-08-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

My feet gently sink into the sand, I can feel the small pearls caressing my toes. The light breeze greets me at the edge of my world. It tugs gently on my flowing white sundress, then just as lightly lets go. I feel the fabric tickle my calf, then float away again. With a long breath in I take the first step in a long time. I rarely come to this place, but each time that I return I never want to leave. This is heaven.

The air is warm and the sun is setting, still an orange orb in the sky blazing down upon the sands, sparking the ground I walk upon. It is always a perfect temperature here, no need for sweaters, no need for shoes. My feet sink and then are held in place by the earth. In front of me stands my adobe house, tan colored, rounded window wells and an arched doorway that holds a faded blue door. The windows are open as they always are and the curtains flit out from the windows, their white eyelet matches my dress. Behind the house are the black plateaus, grey clouds gather above them and swirl around. The sun is about to disapear and be replaced by the moon that peaks from behind the clouds.

I open the door and take in the smell. It smells of earth and spices, cinnamon and nutmeg. My old wooden butcher block table greets me with a candle ready to light. There is no electricity, no distractions in this place. The quiet echos around me, I can hear my breath bounce agains the walls. The match is struck and light fills the room as the sun as now disapeared. I inhale the sulfer smell of the match, it always reminds me of happy times.

I go to the picture window and look out into the evening around me. I love this place, this dream, this reality. The sky is pink now, the kind of pink that is indescribable, colums of orange and yellow are mixed within as the rays of the sun dip deeper in the horizon.

The wooden floor creaks under my weight. The light of the candle dances around the room. My bedroom door is open to the bed that awaits me. A red silken comforter with overstuffed pillows and a black net hanging from the ceiling surrounding the bed. I breath deep, blow out my candle and walk in the darkness to where my dreams await me.

I will stay here for a while.

Pretty in Pink

2009-08-13T21:25:00.001-07:00

For those who know me, pink is my favorite color. Pink speaks many languages. The language of love, friendship, lust, innocence, flirtations... Hope you like the new blog background color.

Restless angst

2009-08-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

This is dead week, finals are on Thursday and then Friday is my first day of freedom from school. I feel pent up angst...I can feel a surge of endorphins rushing through my veins. I want to go out and drink. I want to feel danger, I want to feel excitement, I want to abandon all my pretenses. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me and where I don't know anyone.

In my head I picture myself going out and being reckless, shooting whiskey, dancing on the bar or table or whatever is available. Getting shitfaced and not worrying about tomorrow. Getting lost in the crowd in a club or bar and riding the wave of music. No glamorous place for me, somewhere dark and deep, where you leave yourself at the door. A minivacation from responsibilty, from reports, from homework, from phone calls, from all the things that are driving me crazy.

In reality I will probably drink a few beers and chill for the weekend. But secretly in my mind I will be living in my fantasy world of partying until the sun comes up.

On the other hand maybe I will go get a bottle of whiskey and do a little dance for the husband...

Obsession Part 2

2009-07-31T08:30:00.000-07:00

Not only do I obsess about everyday things, but I obsess mostly about my body. I can't look in the mirror and like what I see. I find a flaw everywhere and can't find a good part of my body that I like. If I do find something that I like I can find about a hundred other things that I hate. I should really change the way that I think. Sometime I compare myself to other people who are more out of shape, who are sagging and look generally awful. And I think that I'm pretty good compared to that. But then I look at other people who are in much better shape than I am and I feel wholly inadequate. I really shouldn't compare myself to other people because there is no one else out there like me. It's like comparing apples to oranges right?

I just read an article about posture, and mine is horrible. I have large breasts and feel self conscious about them. Every since my boobs came along I have always been self conscious about myself. When I do have good posture and stand up or sit up strait I see people looking at me and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. So to protect myself and to sort of dissapear I slouch. This is learned is really horrible for your back and the rest of your body. So even if I feel totally on display I have to sit up strait from now on, maybe I'll start making funny faces at the people who look at me, I'll do my sexy cross eyed look that everyone loves so much! More importantly I just need to get over my insecurity. I need to replace it with confidence.

I'm terrified of becoming one of those little old ladies who melts into themselves. Their arms become all wrinkly and saggy, their butt melts down their legs, and their boobs are drooping down past their belly button. NOT ME! I'm scared of fat, I'm fat phobic.

So I'm putting myself through boot camp. I'm going to be really hard on myself to eat less empty calories, exercise more and get the hell back into shape. I'm not going to allow myself to use the excuse that I don't have time. Because I've made time every morning to go walking. I just need to step it up to running now.

I don't know if I can still like what I see in the mirror - I think that's more of an American thing. From the time that we are little girls we are bombarded with images of "perfect" women, and this image is something that most of us, except Pam Anderson (who I really like), can never obtain.

Well, now I'm off to do my crunches and work on my arms...

Obsession

2009-07-27T11:28:00.000-07:00

I worry too much. I worry about things that are completely out of my control. They are always in the back of my mind. I worry about: not getting into the RN program the first time that I apply, about whether or not losing 10 points on an assignment will put me at a B in one of my classes and how that will affect my getting into the program, how having to postpone one class that I don't have to have to apply and take it after the application deadline will short me potentially 4 points in the program application and how that will affect me getting in the first time, how I seemed to have missed all opportunities that were just out of my reach for getting my blasted CNA license and how I must have that to even apply. All of these things swirl around in my head every day. I worry myself sick sometimes just thinking about all the what ifs. I'm so tired of what ifs.

Sometimes I am able to just not think at all. Just to let silence take over my head, I need to do that more often. Obsessing about school won't change any situation or make it better or worse. What is is just what is and what will be. I just have to try my hardest to get in the first time to not waste time.

Time seems to be the enemy. No time for myself. Little moments when I write to you here and there, but all the other time taken up by other people: work, home, taking care of a sick and ailing husband that no one can tell me what the fuck is wrong with him, homework, school, planning the next few months of schedule between school and work and homework, driving to and from places I have to be. And after all of that there is nothing for me. Nothing but a few moments to sit and obsess about everything that I have to do better than anyone else. Nothing less than an A will do, and A is the only way. All this self pressure - I keep reminding myself that it is necessary, that it will pay off in the long run. I just wonder where the long run leads to.

And worst of all I just thought of this: Am I obsessing about the right obsessions?

I'm very lucky

2009-07-23T16:10:00.000-07:00

I talked to my fairy god mother (grandma) and realized that an apology was a good thing. A sad thing because it had to be said, but a good thing because it was said. This was a healing moment and it took a great deal on my mother's part to apologize. What a huge thing for a parent to do. Some people don't get to have this kind of cathartic thing happen in their life because their parent cannot see the err of their ways. But I am lucky becuase my parent did see the err of her ways and swallowed pride to put her heart out to me and asked for forgiveness.

I called her a few days later to tell her that I really appreciated the apology, that it meant so much to me, that on her birthday I as given such a great gift. She was really happy that I forgave her because it allows her to move on. I have noticed the huge strides that she has made in the past several years and with each monumental step forward she takes I am that much more proud. I can honestly forgive and that will help me to move on as well.

I am lucky to have turned out the way that I did. Along the way she and I must have done something right a time or two or else I wouldn't be the adjusted person I am today. Things could be so much worse.

I can't say that this magically heals all the cracks in my heart, and I don't know if I want them to be healed. I've been living with them for so long that I think my blood would flow differently if I didn't have them. And then would I be the same person? I kind of like who I am for the most part. There are always things that I can be better at and things that I can strive toward. But healing all the wounds of the past would make it like they never happened. And I am who I am because of my past. Aren't we all?

My mother offered me and still offers me the greatest gift, her healing and in turn my healing.

To err is human, to forgive devine.

Lest we forget where our seeds were planted and where we first arose to touch the sun with our pedals. Without the rain that almost drown us we would not be the glorious green we are now.

A Cinderella Story

2009-07-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

Today I called my mother to wish her a happy birthday. The conversation started off light like usual and then dove into my heart ripping it from my chest and held it before me.

She said she was sorry, sorry for the way that she treated me growing up. She said that she was sorry that she wasn't able to be a good mother to me. It seemed so left field and caught me off guard. I always have a guard around her, but this crahsed right though.

My parents weren't ready to be parents, and coupled with multiple factors in their life I was quickly forgotten about. Literally. There were many times when I was forgotten at school, promised by my mom that she would come and get me. This was before cell phones and IM and I was stuck unless I started walking. Sometimes I would make it a few miles before they remembered or realized I wasn't there.

The only way that I could be looked on favorably was to do housework, lots of housework. That seemed to prove my worth. The more housework I did, the more they loved me, or at least it seemed. So I labored away, trying to get anything from them that resembled any kind of 'thank you' or 'I love you' or something. I like Cinderella would get down on my hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor at night so as not to bother anyone. I was always a bother. I was always the thorn in the side. I was always treated like a guest that had worn out their welcome. So like Cinderella I locked myself in my room and only came out when housework needed to be done.

I raised and took care of myself since I was a small girl, around age six. I was doing my own laundry, taking care of myself, making sure that I got to school on time, andthat I got something to eat. Some days I would be so overwhelmed by my life that I would forget to brush my hair or my teeth. Because of this ratty appearance no one wanted to be my friend. I learned quickly not to rely on others for help - because it would never materialize. So I became fiercly independent, self reliant, private and withdrawn. I told no one of my secret pain. I didn't have any friends at school. I blamed myself for being unloveable, something had to be horribly wrong with me. And if I was so horrible how could anyone possibly want to be friends with me. I felt as though it was my duty in life to suffer, and I did it well.

As an onion has layers so does my pain. Every layer peeled back reveals another part of my life that has been unbearable. There's much more to this story than you will ever know, because I will take it to my grave. Just as I'm sure that there was much more to Cinderella's story that Disney could never publish. Once you have heard or read the things that I have lived through you could never look at me the same way again. I would never be the person you think you know now. I would be a stranger to you.

I realized a long time ago that I probably would never get an apology from my mother. For the longest time I felt as though I should have been the one apologizing and that she didn't owe me anything. I didn't think that she ever knew the pain that I had experienced. I didn't know that she ever thought about it.

And now the pain that I so carefully have buried over the years has been freshly dug up, the gravestone tossed aside. The body of my agony stares back at me.

Prince charming came for me. I would literally wish upon a star to have someone come and rescue me. My options at the time seemed limited and I had devised a plan that ended with a rope. Prince charming gave me another option.

When I moved out on my own and learned what true altruistic unconditional love was from my husband, I was able to look at life differently. He didn't love me because I did something, he loved me because I was me. I had never experienced that kind of love before and don't think that I ever will again. He came to me when no one else would come near. He picked me up and dusted me off, and I rode far away with him, he was/is prince charming. My fairytale came true, Cinderalla does live happily ever after.

But no one can ever know the pain that Cinderella has experienced. Cinderella's mother died when she was very young and having no one else to care for her she took care of herself. Imagine if Cinderella's mother came back and said to her 'I'm sorry I left you, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you - and I really need to hear that you forgive me'. What could Cinderella possibly say back? I think that all Cinderalla could do would be to cry. Cinderella's ever working brain would simply shut down, her words would get caught in her throat.

I tried so hard when I moved out to have the relationship that I always wanted with her. The June Cleaver mother, always there and with fresh cookies and milk at the table. I tried and tried and tried, but every time I felt like we could get close she would lock me out. Our new relationship would be abruptly ended by some crisis or another. It was very later in life that I realized that she would never be the mother that I had always wanted. She would always be herself and I would have to try to get to know her as a person, not as my mother. So that is where our relationship has always stood. I think that as she has gotten older she is starting to realize a lot of things and atone for the past. But my heart is guarded because I've been hurt so many times (a survival mechanism I learned from the Ice Queen of Narnia).

My mother also said something very astute and profound, she said that 'it's lonely carrying around the pain of the past'. It is lonely because no one can possibly understand, no one. I've resigned to living on an emotional island a long time ago, and I know exactly how to survive there. Even the people of Auschwitz can understand each other's pain because there were others there to experience it. But when you experience your pain alone, there is no other soul living or dead that can understand.

The fairytale of Cinderella only goes so far as 'they lived happily ever after'. It doesn't mention the ghosts of Cinderalla's past coming back into her life, or how she handles that.

Maybe I should call my fairy god mother (grandma) and see what she would do.

The Sea

2009-07-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

I fantasize about sitting on a beach and watching the waves roll upon the shore. I can hear them crashing in the distance. The moonlight picks out pebbles making them glow as if they were diamonds. Water touches my toes as I slowly walk into the sea and give myself to her. The waves pull and push on my body. I am enveloped and lifted from the sandy bottom. I lay upon my back letting the current cradle me and take me where she wants. The black depths below, the black night above. The giant orb above me peeks through the clouds, illuminating them the color of milk. The moon my only solace, my only light, my only friend in this liquid dream.

Unraveling

2009-07-14T19:28:00.001-07:00

I talked to my Grandmother today. I am a carbon copy of her, we are so alike. She said something today that I have been desperately trying to tell myself but holding it back inside of me. We talked about my school and work load and taking on a little too much for a little too long. We talked of the reasons why I am having to do this so quickly. And she said to me "You probably think that you can't do this, that you just can't go on...but I know you, you can because you grab things by the balls." So true Grandma. I do grab things by the balls.

But this simple statement frayed me a little. It made me realize that I am doing so much more than anyone else I know. I am driving myself so hard that I am forgetting what it is like to live. I'm trying to find simple pleasures, little things to make me happy to fill the small cracks. My facade is slowly crumbling and I am fearing a total meltdown. Sometimes I forget to breathe because I'm so busy.

I can't stop to think about how I'm doing all of this. That would be like trying to analyze how you are riding a bike. Once you start to think about it your balance starts to waver and soon you find that you have eaten the pavement. I don't want to eat pavement. I want to stay on my two feet and be the ball grabbing, independent woman that I am. But I'm starting to think about balancing and I can feel myself waver.

I feel like I have a lot riding on this school thing. I feel the self imposed deadline to get it done now, now, now! I have to apply to RN school in March and to do so I have to get some other things done and out of the way. This takes expert planning. I'm tired of planning.

my morning walk

2009-07-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

I see different things each time, even though I go on the same route every morning. It never fails...I see the this girl. She wouldn't normally catch my eye, except she wears a blanket around her. I see her in the same place around the same time every morning. I always wonder where she is going, what she is doing, or where she came from.

Night

2009-07-12T07:50:00.001-07:00

The warm night breeze swirled around me. He gently lifted my hair from the back on my neck, and slid his fingers across my throat. I danced with him there as he lifted my clothing, toying with me. I walked away from him and he followed. A leaf dragging on the ground? A footstep? Coming closer? I turned around and all was still in the darkness. The tops of the trees bent as if a giant hand were stroking them like a cat. They swayed in unison then leaned back to become strait again. Their tops pierced the night sky. Clouds loomed overhead and electricity filled the air. The moon lightly illuminated the thick blanket. The night tasted exciting, inviting and dangerous. I walked toward him, a little scared of what I might find still unable to see anything. Zephyr wrapped himself around me and warmed me with each caress. He lingered on my cheek, then traced downward between my breasts and dissapeared.

How do they know?

2009-07-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

The other night I was watching the Daily Show and Jon Stewart held up a condom in one of his skits. The condom was an XXL. My question is how do they know that that is really an XXL condom? Sure the packaging says that the size is XXL, but is it really?

How do they decide the sizing for condoms? Do they take a random sample of a hundred men or so, have them drop trow and then measure? Do they then figure out from there what the average is and then size it according to that? And who gets to do this job? Are there fluffers available for the men? What about the outliers, men who have a 2 inch penis, or men who have a 14 inch penis? What about these men? Do they have to use sandwhich bags and garbage bags respectively? Do they take girth into account when they design the condom?

When they make "fancy" condoms, like the ones with ribbing do they think about the risk of one of the ribs getting caught inside her and then the condom falls off? How tall do they make the ribs? How did they do the research for the ribs? At what point is too many ribs, or too few? How do they know how far to space them apart?

And specialty condoms, glow in the dark and flavored. First of all if it's just going in the cooch, why do you need a flavored condom? I can understand with the bj aspect of that, but a cooch can't taste what it's eating. And glow in the dark, how do they know that the glow in the dark stuff doesn't affect either the penis or the vagina? What if all you ever used was glow in the dark condoms and now you permanently have a glow in the dark vag or cock? I'm sure that would maybe come in handy at a rave but I can't think of a practical use for that.

And what about female condoms? Who came up with that idea? And from their design I can't imagine that they would work, if at all.

To answer some of my questions I searched You Tube and found a video on how they make condoms. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUl-KKypD3g

This particular video is for Billy Boy condoms in Germany. First of all I LOVE the truck, it has a smiling penis wearing sunglasses and giving a thumbs up on the side! Bet you didn't know that the rolled edge is called the bead. And condoms are washed and dried in what appears to be washing machines! At one point they blow the condoms up in another machine to test their strength. I wonder if they then tie them off and attach them to their coworkers antennas? They have to withstand the pressure of 18 Liters! Holy shit! I know you guys think that you can cum really hard, but 18 liters...I don't think so! They also have a line for "somewhat more demanding users". What are those people like? If 18 liters and a stretch test designed to hold until 700% of stretch is reached, how much stronger is this other line? That scares me a bit!

Twilight

2009-07-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

I never thought that I would be so in to a vampire story. I kind of shy away from them since I get teased all the time about how I'm a vampire. I just thought it would probably look bad if I was caught reading a story about vampires, like I was trying to be one. I can't help it if I'm so dang white, allergic to garlic, can't be out in the sunshine for too long, have dark hair or have eyes that change color. It's just the way I am.

There's life before Twilight and then there's life after Twilight. Before I wasn't really paying attention to the side of me that craved something entertaining. I was trying too hard to be a grown up, focusing on nothing but responsibility. But now that I got a taste of it, I want more.

I'm drawn in by the characters, by their interactions and how the story is going to play out. It's not the best book I've ever read, but it's a book that is so captivating that I can't put it down. The dichotomy between having a soul damned to hell and wanting to preserve your virginity until after marriage is quite a concept. To think that two people can be so completely right for each other they seem like their own personal brands of heroine to one another. How family really isn't about blood, it's about ties to one another. How lonliness and pain can isolate and change you. The thrill of the romance, the sexual tension between the characters, the innocence in their ways. All of this is what makes the books thrilling to read.

I've already gone through 3 of the 4 books since the middle of June. I've had to put a hold on myself to go and get the 4th book because I have to concentrate on my studies. But as soon as this term is over I'm going to go and get it! I'm a little sad that after this book it will be done. But I still have the movies to look forward to!

I think about the characters of the Cullen family in the story, if you haven't read it they are the town vampires that no one knows about. They are my favorite. They are dedicated, devoted, meticulously responsible. People are captivated by them, drawn in by their mystique, but once you get to know the characters you realize that they are just like you or me. They have their own hangups and fears. They have this wonderful gift of eternal life, yet they don't fully appreciate it. They all say that if given the chance they wouldn't have chosen this life. But I am like Bella, I would chose that life in a heartbeat. The opportunity to have eternal time on your side. To always be beautiful, to never age, to never have to worry about disease, death, or damage to your body. To be able to learn everything you have ever wanted to learn, to travel to any destination you want to travel to.

I know exactly what I would do if I was a vampire.

First I would capitalize on my otherworldly beauty and model for a while to get a cash stake. I would have to kill some people and suck some blood along the way...but that goes with the territory. I would be really choosy about who I would kill and how. Of course I would turn my husband so that we could be together forever. I would learn every musical instrument, every language, travel to every destination on the planet. I would collect cars and stash them all around the world. Exotic cars in every locale. I would write. Write about everything and publish all my writings under different pen names so that no one would know that I was over a hundred or a thousand years old. I wouldn't have to worry about trying to cram a lifetime's worth of events into a lifetime, which to me seems impossible if you have big dreams. I want more than a simple life, as a vampire and as a human. Doesn't everyone?

Being a vampire could get lonely too, it could also get boring. If you have already seen this and done that, where would the novelty be? Would you wish for death after a while just so that you could experience something new?

Beyond the story of these vampire kids that I was so reluctant to enter into, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I cannot ignore my creative side. That I'm too responsible. I'm too uptight and rigid sometimes. I missed having fun. I never really did get to live this life as a teenager. Maybe now is the time. Who is to say that you have to live your life a certain way, in a certain chronological sequence. I am not a vampire and I don't have forever on my side. I am just a woman with a wild imagination who missed the chance to be a girl once upon a time. I'm not in my twilight at all, I'm in my dawn. And I don't want to miss anything my life can offer.

Just the thought...

2009-07-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

of flogging blogger and it gives me my blogs back! I need to try threats more often! I've been told before that I'm intimidating, but I never thought I was that intimidating! haha! ;)

What the fuck blogger!

2009-07-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

All of the awesome blogs I was following are gone from my account! Bad Blogger, now you get flogged blogger!

Burried by conventionalism

2009-06-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

I can feel this growing inside me, this tiny point of light. It demands more attention every day and I try to appease it. I've opened the door inside the darkened corner of my mind where my creativity has been pushed to.

I can't seem to concentrate on logical things. My attention span is dwindling and my thoughts escape me. I awake in daydreams that have led me astray and find myself more and more content. I dream of plots where people exist, of things that have never happened, of things that are to come. I find myself shedding layers of myself and revealing a new skin. It's coming to take me and I can't say no. When it's here, it's here to stay; for a while at least. It's been caged for too long, forced dormant and hidden in the darkness.

I've exposed myself to some form of creative intelligence besides textbooks. This story with a plot, a character that I can feel and imagine is right next to me. I remember the characters that I have given life to, the ones that lay hidden in my many stories. I shaped and molded each of them carefully and placed them in the stages of their lives to interact with one another. With time I have forgotten about them. I left them to their own lives, silent on a white background. But I desperately want to come back to them, to finish their stories and lives and give them meaning again, give them a purpose and in turn feel as though I have a purpose.

I thought of all the things that I have yet to do, all the things that I have yet to say and the time in which it all must be done. I feel the tick of the clock. It's been silent for so long. Pushed into the recesses of my mind in lieu of more "conventional" options.

I see the life that I want to have, the life that I am slowly creating and the life that I am living, all three are different and opposing. I can only hope to marry seamlessly the life that I want to have with the life that I am creating and hope that the marriage can last.

I miss myself, my time, my everything. I've changed my whole being to pursue this other choice and have been afraid all along that I would lose myself in the process. But now that I can feel it growing inside from a single point of light into the light of the sun and I am reminded that I didn't lose myself. I have just conveniently burried her under conventionalism.

Las Vegas 2009

2009-06-21T19:08:00.000-07:00

So here it is, the pictures of our very first vacation together. Las Vegas was not what we really expected. I don't think that we really knew what we would expect, but nonetheless it was very fun. So nice to get away from reality for a while and have no resposibilities. We will definitely have to do that more often. Next vacation is going to be somewhere tropical, off the beaten path, no tourists and just very very relaxing.

This is the view of Paris from the Bellagio during a water show. The height of the water is extraordinary and so beautiful at night. We stayed at Paris Las Vegas for our entire trip.
The first night we got there we were so excited to see everything that we walked all the way down the strip to the Luxor and back to Paris. It was quite a hike!

This was the view from our hotel room. During the day you could see the same people laying out by the pool working on their tans. During the night the tower would light up and you could see the water show of the Bellagio.

Can you tell that we really liked our hotel? It was one of the most interesting ones on the strip.

We also ate dinner in the Eifel Tower. If you can see in the picture there is a black stripe a little way up from the base of the tower. That is where we ate the most delicious Filet Mignon served to us by a very cute French waitor who doted over us tirelessly and we tipped him well! That was quite the experience.

One of our most fun days was spent on the Miracle Mile. It is a mile of shopping located in Planet Hollywood hotel right next to Paris. We dropped a lot of dough at Fredericks and I found the Bettie Page store where I had to get something! I found the most darling shoes there, black and white heels that went with my black and white dress I wore to dinner.

This is a building inside the miracle mile where I ate breakfast and got plastered on mimosas before noon one day. Breakfast was awesome for me, it was french toast like I had never had it before.

On our last day we got a souvenir of the Paris baloon with a horrible tasting margarita made with Stolies, yuck! But the baloon is cool! ;)

The best margaritas were at Bill's for 99 cents. We also had a really good fresh margarita from scratch at Ceasar's palace one night on walkabout. We watched him squeeze the limes, salt the rim, mix everything up and pour away and we drank that down and were both feelin' really good!

On our last night we took the bus down to Freemont street. The theme was Summer of '69 with a flashback to Woodstock. At the top of the hour after 8:30 the whole ceiling lights up and is choreographed to music. Everyone stops what they are doing and all look up like a bunch of turkeys in the rain. Pretty funny just to watch them all stare. There were some grannies there in wild hats that we dancing around. Really funny, they must have been really drunk to wear those hats! No good pictures of them, oh well.

To end the night we went to the top of the world at the Stratosphere bar where we had a drink and looked out over the city. It was a nice end to a very hectic, relaxing, invigorating, sensory overload trip.

The thing that I found the most strange about Vegas was all the children. Children still in whe womb, children being pushed in strollers, children with leashes on, children who are 12 or 13 with their mother and being paraded around like prostatots. All these children on the strip at night while illegal mexicans hand out tit and ass cards as their trucks hauling messages of tits and ass pass by them on the strip. Big giant screens showing half strip shows and telling you where to go so you can see more tits and ass.

I'm all for tits and ass, I'm a fan. But when it comes to children being exposed to it, it just makes the whole thing really weird.

Vegas should not be a family vacation destination. That's why there's Disneyland. Let grownups have their own place where they can go and do grown up things without kids.

It's sad that Vegas has been degraded to this, a third rate Disneyland. Why don't you just get Minney to jump on the pole and you could start a whole franchise!

The other thing that is out of hand is tipping. Tipping is expected by everyone, everywhere. We probably dropped at least a hundred to a hundred and fifty just in tips to everyone alone. Does a five dollar coffee made with water that smells like ass deserve a tip? No. Does an amazing dinner overlooking the strip, where your waitor picks out your wines cause you don't know grapes from your ass because you're a country bumpkin deserve a tip? Hell ya!

We loved our vacation, but there were things we didn't like. Oh well, not everything can be perfect. We will know what to do next time.

random thoughts

2009-06-09T19:52:00.001-07:00

I will really enjoy the day that I won't have to plan my life out so far in the future. It's only the beginning of summer and already I have thoughts of fall. I have my classes all in line, just have to figure out my school schedule with it as well.

The only thing that keeps eluding me is my CNA. I'm trying not to stress out about it too much. I figure if I get it in the winter term, because I won't have any more classes that term if I stick to the schedule that I have planned out...then I can apply in 2010. If not I will apply to other schools and see what other courses they require and adjust.

I really enjoy school, I love to learn new things. I really enjoy A&P, psychology not so much. My general science class was a lot of fun and it helped that the teacher was a total nerd and kinda cute too! That always makes learning easier.

I also like the different people that I meet, they definitely inject a new perspective on life for me.

Oi vay...the planning and figuring and scheduling and thinking and reading and writing - it will be nice to have a break from it for a few weeks at least.

I'm excited about my understanding art class that I have in the fall. I love art, love to draw and haven't for so long. I won't be drawing for class, but looking at art and exploring what the artist was trying to convey.

It's kinda sureal that I will be leaving on Sunday to go to Vegas. Hubby and I have NEVER been on vacation that didn't involve some kind of family event. Family events mean work, and work does not constitute a vacation. So this will be a departure from the norm and a break from it all.

Stronger from the fire

2009-06-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

I often ask myself if emotion is a blessing or a curse. It is what sets us apart from the other creatures. They too feel emotion but they are not able to express it in the same ways that we do. Our hearts soar or bleed contingent upon our emotions. A curse it is to have to feel the pain and sting of loss and grief, the burning feeling of anger and resentment. The wars that emotions fuel within ourselves, exploding into the world where they can help build or tear down a city.

My psychology class has sucked the marrow from my very bones. That class has affected me in more ways that you will ever know. Calling up emotions that I have for years kept hidden away. I could drown the world with my tears or burn down a city with my rage. The beginning of this term was especially hard, looking backward and looking in and having to relive some very painful memories.

Out of the ashes rose a phoenix, hardened and stronger from the flames of memory.

Weird Dreams

2009-05-31T07:22:00.001-07:00

Dreams are strange and fleeting. Sometimes they seem to make no sense at all, and other times they seem very relavent to your life. Lately, I have been having dreams when I actually do sleep about odd things. Everything seems disconnected.

On Thursday night I dreamt two separate dreams, both very similar. In my first dream I was standing out on my back deck looking out into the SW night sky. There were many stars out, each one shining and twinkling. Then an object appeared from the ground and slowly moved up and away from me at the same time. It looked to be like a hanglider, I could clearly see the person sitting in between the wings. It reached a certain point in the sky and the wings burst into flames. The hanglider slowly melted in the sky and left the person sitting in the sky, then they started to fall. Faster and faster they fell to the ground and my heart started to pound, I wanted to save them but knew they were too far away for me to get there in time. Stars started to fall out of the sky along with the person. A celestial light and horror show. There was nothing I could do to save this person falling to their death, I had to just stand there and watch it helplessly.

I woke from that dream, then started another dream where this time I looked out my front window and saw a plane flying very low to the ground. The force of it was bending the tops of the trees right by my house, whipping their tops back and breaking off limbs. Then the sound came, a roaring-screaming sound of jet engines full throttle. Then an explosion on the wings and again I had to watch this plane go down before me with no ability to help. I knew there was nothing I could do to help whomever was on that plane as it led a trail of thick black smoke toward the ground.

Last night I had a dream I was interrogating someone. We were in a small room and they were talking, but everything was in a different language. I could tell what they were saying by the inflection in the voice, the look on their face, but I couldn't tell exactly what they were saying. Then the man that I was interrogating, a rather attractive man, put on my cryptonite. A pair of black rimmed glasses and looked at me. I felt weak, the woke up.

What do these dreams mean? What do they represent? I have no idea. But here are some possibilities, I am getting these from a dream interpretation website:

planes: symbolize goals and aspirations, how the plane is traveling depends on how you are thinking about your goals - ie: if it is crashing then you are thinking about your dreams crashing, it can also be fear of flight, hubby and I will be going to Vegas soon and ever since watching a few movies with plane crashes they kind of freak me out. I don't think I want to die that way, or be a survivor of a plane crash.

shooting stars: these are symbols of self advancement and self fulfillment as well as birth of new changes in your life

interrogating: nothing on the web about this symbol or experience - go figure

man: highlights the masculine side of myself, the side that is competitive, agressive, rational or assertive

black glasses: nothing on the web about this symbol either- but black glasses are a real weak spot for me. I LOVE them! The dorkier the better, I recently saw some pictures of some celebrity men with black glasses, maybe that was what that was about. Or maybe the man that I was interrogating knew that if he donned the glasses I wouldn't be able to effectively interrogate him any longer.

I'm really tense lately with school, the term is ending and I have to start another. The uncertainty of what is coming up next won't materialize until June 9th when I will know what my summer schedule is going to be like. I think that is a major stressor for me. I don't know if my schedule will work or if it will be derailed and fucked up somehow. Only time will tell. The man the language and the black glasses are something else entirely, maybe I know what they mean, maybe I don't.

managing exhaustion with a shot of time

2009-04-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

So my life is lived in 15 minute incriments between classes and work. I have exactly 4 minutes to post this and then I have to take a shower and get ready to go to lab. I think labs are the only classes that I don't like. They drag on forever and you don't really get a break. I always find myself starving at noon and never have enough time to scrounge something up. Oh well.

My body is achy and my mind is dull. I can't seem to sleep and when I do it's fragmented lately. I think I've had one or two really good nights of sleep.

Oh well, I did this to myself so I can't really bitch. I told my husband last night that this term I traded personal time for money. Which is nice when I get my paycheck.

Only 6 weeks left and then...gotta go, my 4 minutes is up!

The Weekend...

2009-03-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

Thank God the weekend is here. I am so happy to have this time with my husband. Any time that I have with him is so prescious and few. We have 4 days off together every month.

Today was my last day of class for this term and soon I'm onto the next term. I'm slowly whittling them away and will be done before I know it.

I haven't been writing much lately, my time has been limited with school and work.

I think I'm going to start journaling, maybe start a secret blog and write whatever comes to my mind. I feel like I have to censor what I say here. I think that eventually when I do get published I will have a pen name. A secret name that no one will know me by and I will publish my work in books that have no pictures of me. I will be free to say and write whatever I want. I am so afraid to write what I really want to write for fear of what others will think of me, or especially what my parents would say.

That really is the thing that holds me back from writing the story that I need to write. Even as a child I said that I would write my story. But now with so many feelings, people and complications involved it makes it really hard to write. So I write meaningless crap with a few shorts mixed in that are able to escape my internal excoriation.

But if I write freely in a space that no one knows me by, no one knows that I have, I can maybe have a better sense of what I can really write.

Or maybe I should just do the old fashioned way, write in a journal for no one to see.

All I really need is time. It takes time to write. It takes time to dream and formulate.

I have a lot of irons in the fire and a lot of new ideas to write about, but time and my need to self censor is what is holding me back.

I'm just so thankful that I have tomorrow and the next day off in a row. Two days off, it will be like a little vacation away from everything.

I haven't spoke to you in a while...

2009-03-06T22:01:00.000-08:00

There was a time when I spoke to you every day. I would jump at the chance to talk to you and have you tell me something, anything. I love it when you speak to me. You always say interesting things, at least they are interesting to me.

I had a visitor today, he wanted to leave you a message. He wanted me to tell you that you are good, and he doesn't just say that to anyone. And to prove his point he got you something. He left it quietly and came back to check and see if you had gotten it. It's simple really, just blank pages.

I thought you could use it.

That is when you wake up.

You've been asleep for a long time. You sleep a lot anymore. I'm sorry I don't have a lot of time to spend with you lately. I really want to. But you know me, I get focused and zeroed in. I promise you that it will be like it used to be, soon. I'll be focused on you. And you can tell me all your dreams you had while you were asleep.

I will keep your gift for you. When you wake up you can fill the pages. You can tell me everything.

I miss you and I hope to have time to spend with you soon.

Goodnight imagination, sleep well and dream.

This will make you laugh

2009-02-24T19:32:00.000-08:00

This powerpoint slide show made me laugh until I cried.

My favorite one was ENVY.

You have to check it out!

http://docs.google.com/gview?a=v&attid=0.1&thid=11fa97e49bb4227f&mt=application%2Fpdf

On Love and War...

2009-02-14T11:47:00.000-08:00

I love Valentine's Day. The day for love, romance and sexual innocence. If every holiday was like this, celebrating love, I would celebrate more often.

To those who are alone on this holiday. Feel not bad for yourself, feel good that you have potential, the potential of finding a mate. Whether you are looking for a man or a woman or a uniq. There's truly someone for everyone out there. Learn to flirt, learn to seduce and learn to know what you like. With the confidence that you have in knowing what you want you can have what you want.

There is truly an art to seduction. It's not just flirting haphazardly, casting your magic line out for any old fish to bite. It's baiting your hook with the right bait. Know what you are fishing for and know what your fish like. Cast out your gazes, bait the fish and pull them closer and closer until you have them in your line of sight.

Look around and take in all of the hearts and flowers. This is a day for love, passion, and letting your desires overtake you. Celebrate your love with someone, arrange something special. A nice dinner at home, a romantic get away to the hotel on the ocean where you honeymooned. Enjoy, and be wrapped in the warmth of glowing love.

With so much emphasis on war, hatred, violence and unjust killing...it's nice to think that we are capable of so much love and kindness. If only everyday were like Valentine's Day. More effort would be put forth on love, being loved and finding new ways to love than killing and maming others. We would be investing millions in how to improve love, how to keep love longer and how to find the perfect love for us. Think of how our infrastructure would be different, think of how our jobs would be different. Think of how there would be no war and no violence. We would be all working on a common goal of love.

So grab your sweetheart and passionately kiss them, make love to them and spend quality time with one another. And if you don't have a sweetheart do something nice for yourself, or get yourself all dressed up and find yourself someone for the night.

Happy Valentine's Day!

beyond tired

2009-02-05T19:30:00.000-08:00

As I am writing this now my body is alseep. My mind is not. I can't turn it off. I've been on prednisone for just a few days from that garlic attack. I hate prednisone, I can't: sleep, eat, excercise, think straight or concentrate. My stomach is in knots and my eyes feel like they are about to pop out of my head. I can't focus my eyes. Everything is a little blurry. My muscles ache like I've been punched a few times all over my body.

The one thing that is really doing me in right now is the lack of sleep. I sleep, but not really. My eyes close, but my mind never turns off. When I lay down I feel my body 'fall' asleep, sink into the mattress or couch. I feel my muscles loosen and go soft. My body stops moving and my heart rate is steady. But my mind is active. Very active.

I'm thinking about all the things that I have to do, all the things that I want to do. I can't sleep, and I can't relax my mind enough to put it to sleep.

I stopped taking the prednisone today so tonight I hope that I will be able to sleep. My body and my mind.

To monsters the dark and fat...

2009-02-03T18:55:00.000-08:00

Last night I stayed the night at a friend's house. My husband had to stay the night at the hospital and I was scared to stay the night alone at home. I tried it before and I woke up screaming in the middle of the night thinking someone was standing beside my bed. My neighbor's light went on in his house probably to see who was being murdered.

Not wanting that experience again my coworker/boss/friend Charlotte took me in for the night. She has three kids all of which went crazy when I showed up. They were so excited to see someone and talk to them and show them all their things and show what they could do. It was a busy night. I don't know how Charlotte does it, works full time and takes care of three kids when she gets home. She has the support of a wonderful husband who speaks French to the girls in the morning at the breakfast table. Keeps the house squeeky clean, makes dinner, makes sure that all the kids' homework is done and in their backpacks for the next day.

Their littlest one is 2 and he loved my fishnet stockings that I wore. We played baloon while I ate dinner, then later that night after eating he curled up in my lap and all of us talked as his eyes started to slowly close.

The next morning I went to the hospital to see my husband and we went back to our quiet little house where I did homework for the rest of the day.

Now onto excercise...I feel so much better when I excercise. I have been doing it everday and on the rare days that I skip I feel really weird and pent up and in pain from not working out. I don't really notice any big changes except my abs always feel really tight. I just have to get rid of the adipose tissue that is blocking the view of my six pack. Yes, adipose is fat, or to be exact it is a type of loose connective tissue used to insulate, protect and store energy reserves for the body. Each cell looks like a solitare ring, the nucleus of the cell is pushed to one side by the droplet of glycerol.

2 weeks and feeling better...

2009-02-01T08:27:00.000-08:00

I have been working out everyday for two weeks solid now. Feels pretty good. I get up every morning and the first thing I do is pop in my dvd and slowly wake up while I'm working out.

I have hope that I will look somewhat decent in a swimsuit by the time that hubby and I go to vegas in June.

Onto a new subject...

Those who know me know that I really don't like cell phones. But last night hubby and I scared one another to the point that we are ready to buy, like now!

We decided to go on a bike ride downtown, drop a package off at the post office and do some shopping. He decided that he wanted to go the music store and I wanted to go shopping at my favorite store(s). So we did our own thing and it started to get dark out. So I hopped on my bike and rode over to the music store that came to mind and they hadn't seen him. Little did I know that he was doing the same thing. We were riding around the block and not seeing each other. So I decided to ride home, I figured he probably did the same. I got home and no hubby. Then I remembered the other music store in town, I drove around town and found him. We were both really scared. He was afraid someone kidnapped me and I was afraid someone ran over him and he was in the hospital dying of trauma. Horrible thoughts.

We were so glad to see each other alive and the first thing that we both said to each other was that we need to get another cell phone.

So happy to be home with him and we are both safe and sound.

I've always joked about being one...

2009-01-31T08:54:00.000-08:00

but now I know for sure. I am a vampyre. Forget the steak through the heart and cutting off my head with a silver sword, burning crucifixes into my skin and all that other mumbo jumbo...just feed me garlic.

Yes, that's all that it takes really. Just a little tiny piece of garlic.

Hubby and I went out to a mexican restaraunt, and I still like this restaraunt and probably will go back. Anyway, I digress. I forgot to mention to them that I am allergic to garlic. I haven't been dosed really bad for a while now. And the only thing that it would really do to me is give me intestinal discomfort (like you needed to know).

So I eat the salsa, I eat the guacamole and I bit into something that crunched on my back molar. Hot liquid magma engulfed my mouth and slowly slid down my throat.

"Oh, shit! I just ate garlic!" I told my husband. "I have to go and get some Benadryl." So I go to the grocery store, which is conveniently located right within the same shopping mall as the mexican restaraunt and by the time I get to the pharmacy the pharmacist said that I was breaking out into hives. I felt like I was on fire and burning more brightly by the moment.

I went back to the restaraunt and told my husband that I had to get to urgent care. We kissed goodbye and I drove to urgent care, urgently. So urgently that I was definitely breaking the law, but I really hoped to see a cop so that I could get an escort to the urgent care so I didn't have to try and drive with the stupid people who were going 25mph in a 45.

I got to urgent care and expected to sit and wait like everyone else in the waiting room. The receptionist slid back the glass and her eyes got a big as two silver dollars. I told her that I was having an allergic reaction to food. She went over to the nurse who came to the window. I told her that I was having an allergic reaction to food and she told me to go the door and she would meet me there.

Within seconds she grabbed me by the arm and whisked me away to a large room where the doctor on staff was already waiting in the wings. Next thing I know I have an IV in my left hand, a shot of epi in my right arm and a dose of prednisone and zantac through the IV. The epi made me shake violently, for what seemed like an eternity.

Three hours later and a lot of good care from the staff I was back to my normal pasty, pale self again.

But the saga doesn't end there.

The doctor told me that it was rare, but I could rebound from this within the next few days. I took it into consideration, and filed it under it probably won't happen.

Well, Friday morning as I was putting away drugs on the shelf at the pharmacy I started to feel like my skin was on fire. Little pin-pricks of lava coming to the surface. Every minute that ticked by I got redder and more puffy looking. So back to urgent care next door to the pharmacy.

Again, I was whisked to the back and had a shot of epi as well as a shot of prednisone in my ass (that hurts!). I kept getting redder, so they gave me another shot of epi in the other arm. I didn't shake as violently this time. Three hours later I was released and was back to my pasty, pale self again.

My pharmacist Charlotte joked with me before she left for the day telling me to try and stay alive. I told her that you can't kill this kind of evil, it just doesn't die. It only comes back stronger with an epi-pen in hand.

my abs are burning!

2009-01-20T07:42:00.000-08:00

So today was the second day in a row that I worked out. Okay, so I know it doesn't seem like much. But to this lazy girl who just sits around studying it's a lot.

Yesterday was an easier workout to gently get myself back into it. Today was Carmen Electra's Fit to Strip. That workout will kill you. So here I am with my abs burning and my shoulders twitching. Tomorrow is another workout, an easier one again. Then on Thursday it's Carmen Electra again. So every other day I'll get a hard workout.

Not only am I working out but I am being really conscious of my portion size and what I eat daily. The carlories that I burn have to be greater than the calories that I take in. I just tell myself that whenever I think I want to eat or drink something.

So enough about the workout stuff, here are some random thoughts:

Today at 2:30 I go and get initiated into Sigma Kappa Delta, an English Honor Society for 2 year colleges. I figured it would look good on my resume.

This morning I woke up at 6:30 to get right on the phone before my husband left to talk to the insurance company. They told me yesterday that I couldn't get any information because he wasn't there to release it to me. Yet, this morning when I talked to one of their reps they said that I could have any information that I wanted because I was the primary on the account.

Alright, enough with the HIPAA shit. I think that if you are married that you should be able to get whatever information you want. The other person is just another extension of you. And if you are a wife like I am you go to every doctor appointment anyway so you know everything. HIPAA should only apply to family members and divorced or separated couples. They should have to sign something that says that their HIPAA kicked in. So to get around the HIPAA I drew up a POA form and put in a clause stating that whatever shit I ask for you are to give to me without any questions or hesitation.

Yesterday I kept my shit together while talking to both the insurance company and the doctor's office about why his last claim was rejected. Seems as though if you just mention that you are trying to quit smoking the doctor's office bills the claim as smoking cessation and then the insurance company will reject the claim because they won't allow anyone to quit smoking and have it be paid for unless you go through their program. Their program includes a chat with one of their phone representatives (whatever that's going to do), and a prescription from your doctor for Chantix. But if you go to your doctor and ask for the Chantix they miraculously cover the claim. Sounds like my insurance company owns or is in bed with Chantix. Hope the sex is good.

Oh, wait...I know why. See the insurance companies want you to (a. keep smoking and (b. take Chantix (even though it has linked cases to successful suicides) because...if your dead they don't have to pay for your ass anymore! I get it now! See it's a little like the diet that I'm on. Only they diet with money. They want to make sure that they get more money in than goes out. So they want to be fat, unlike me.

Can you tell that I'm burnt on the whole smoking thing?

He's trying and that is all that matters, but it is rough on a wife.

Okay, enough of that shit. Let's get positive and think about good things. (I'm drawing a blank here...ummm...oh fuck it...let's just think about puppies, kitties and rainbows.)

And I'm taking vitamins...that's a good thing.

Time to make a change

2009-01-19T07:50:00.000-08:00

So I had some pictures taken and frankly I hate what I see. I'm fat, look like the pilsberry dough girl and am extremely white.

Well, there's really nothing that I can do about my whiteness except live with it. It's better to be casper the ghost than be a ghost because you died of skin cancer from laying out on the sun all the time. Plus then you get age spots and wrinkles and the list goes on. Okay, so better to be white.

As for being fat I have seen what I really look like. And to some it may not seem that bad. But to me it is horrible. I have to slim down, stop eating so much, drink more water and EXCERCISE! Good God do I ever need to excercise.

My husband said several times that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm getting older and this is what happens when you get old.

Okay, now I really feel decrepit, unattractive and wish that I could find a rock big enough to crawl under. Am I really that old? Okay, so who knows really how old I am in respect to my life. I could be a third of the way through, or I could be half way through, or I could just up and die tomorrow.

But lets say that I'm a third of the way through...I really don't want to live to be a hundred. Maybe 70, maybe...it just depends and we'll deal with that later.

I got to thinking the other day that in ten years I'll be 40. I used to think in my twenties (I hate saying that) that I would enjoy growing older. That I wouldn't mind it if I turned 30. Well, I mind now. I don't want to be 30. I don't want to get older and shrivel up and become invisible and then die a lonely death after having choked on my own spit.

So the only way that I can turn back or at least hold time still is to EXCERCISE.

It's weird when you get to really see yourself for what you are. Not who you think you are. My illusion of myself is evaporated and I have to build another one. I will start building this one from the ground up and taking a harsher view instead of looking through rose-colored glasses like I was.

I think I'll get a bathing suit, then I can see how terrible I look in it and slowly work my way into looking good in it.

I know I have a shit self image right now, but I'm being a realist. Tough love to save my ass from getting any bigger.

What a much needed day...

2009-01-17T21:46:00.000-08:00

Today was a wonderful day. It was quite possibly one of the best days. Hubby and I slept in until 9:30, then laid around the house until 11:45. We grabbed a shower and got ready to go out shopping. And shopping we did! A lot of it.

First we went to the bank and took the piggy bank in to get cashed out. Thirty dollars in change!

Then we went to the shoe store downtown. Hubby took in an old pair of boots, actually they really aren't that old. They are maybe just slightly over a year old. The soles of the boots broke and water would seep in and make his feet wet. They looked pretty ratty and it wasn't like he was out tilling a field in them either. Just walking around on concrete. Anyway, we took them back to the store that we got them at, The Shoe Hutch, and they were so awesome there! They took the boots back and they will send them to the manufacturer and we got another pair of boots for free in exchange for the cruddy ones. How about that? A pair of brand new hundred dollar boots for free!

Then we went to BiMart and took back our shower curtain. One thing you have to know about my husband is that he is the Take Back King. He can take back anything to anywhere and they will give him his money back or exchange it. So we had this shower curtain for a little over a year. The packaging says clearly on it that it "will never mildew...ever!" and if you are not satisfied with the product take it back to the store that you got it at and they will issue you a refund. So we took back the shower curtain because it did mildew. And they argued with him for a while about how they weren't going to take it back, that he would have to come back on Monday and see the store manager and so on and so forth. So we went shopping there for another shower curtain and low and behold what did we find? The exact same shower curtain with the exact same claim on it. So hubby got the old mildewy shower curtain exchanged for a new one. And yes, he kept the receipt after a year. He tapes them to the boxes that he buys that product in and if he ever needs to take it back, which is pretty frequently he has the box and the receipt. That makes it harder for the store clerk to not take the item back.

Then we went clothes shopping, out to dinner and ate Mexican. Then we finished up the day at Fred Meyer where I got a 105.00 coat on sale for 60% off along with $10 in rebates from buying other shit there to get the final price down to 32.00! And it is CUTE! Hubby picked it out for me, he also found me a super cute vest at Maurices. He's my bestest girlfriend ever!

Then we came home and poured through our loot, we made out like pirates today.

And to cap off the day we went through hubby's closet and got rid of everything that is too big, ugly or he didn't like to wear and we will take it to Goodwill tomorrow.

We got a lot done today and it was so nice to not have school or work or anything else going on. Just a day for the two of us.

Now it's time for bed, tomorrow we are taking pictures!

Good night kiddies.

I think I'm over the edge...

2009-01-12T07:03:00.000-08:00

Last night I came home from work and got a few things done around the house. Hubby was still busy getting things done too. He grabbed a shower and then cooked me an awesome dinner. It was shaping up to be a wonderful evening. We rarely get to spend time together and when we do it is just so nice.

Then the phone rings at 9:15. My aunt recently died and so I'm thinking that this is another "guess who died" phone call. So I answer it without really looking at caller ID. It was my sister in law.

She has this way, this certain knack of getting me backed into a corner and forcing the word "yes" out of my mouth. She said that she had just gotten some time off from work for Valentine's Day to come down and see us and wanted to see if that would be a good time. I didn't know that she had already callled and talked to the husband earlier in the day, he told her he would have to talk to me and get back to her. She obviously couldn't wait to hear back from us and husband didn't have the time to tell me that she called and what she wanted.

So I said the dreaded words: "yes". And the reason why is this: I feel as though I am the scheduler of the family affairs, it all rests on me and what my schedule is like for the ENTIRE family to get together and spend some time. I feel like the glue that holds my husband together with his sister and mother sometimes. And that if I didn't say yes to them that we would never go up and see them and they would never come down here and see us (which they never do).

I sat back down on the couch and he asked who that was. It was sister and she wanted to get together on Valentine's day. Then he gets all prickly and says that he already talked to her about this and told her that he would call her back and that he wished that I would have talked to him first about it before saying anything. He doesn't want to spend time with his family on VD, he wants to spend it with me. I feel the same way. But for some reason whenever she calls I feel compelled to say "yes". She has this way of inserting herself into other people's lives at inopportune times and then never having a clue.

I FUCKING hate this feeling of being trapped in the middle. So hubby is going to call her today, and I really hope that he calls her soon like today, because she has to schedule her shit in advance a month out with her scheduler at work. See all the stress that this puts on me? If you can't see it then I've gone over the edge. I am on the other side of the edge that says FUCK IT! So here is how I'm going to never be put in the middle again.

1. I will never answer the phone again until I screen the call. I will not answer the phone if it is certain people.

2. I will tell the family as I told my husband last night that I am no longer the scheduler of family affairs and that all scheduling requests will now have to go through him. If that means that he never says yes to going and seeing his family then we will never see them again.

3. I am just going to totally stay out of it from now on. I'm taking a back seat approach when it comes to scheduling anything because there is never a good time. I have felt as though I have been put in this situation way too many times for the past six years or so since we have moved here.

I understand that VD is not a good time, because I would like to spend the day with my husband by myself with him without family. I think it's hard for my SIL to understand the concept of marriage and wanting to spend time with your spouse because she hasn't ever been in a long term relationship.

I'm already under a tremendous amount of stress having to pull all A's in all of my classes to get into the nursing program, working part-time and doing all the home work associated with my classes. I just can't do any more. Any little thing anymore makes me into super-mega bitch in an instant. And unfortunately the one that has to live and suffer with me is my darling husband who is always so nice, caring and supportive of me.

I hate when I go over the edge, it feels like I can't control it. It's a light switch that goes off in my brain and I become Super-Mega Bitch and it takes almost a few days for me to come down off my bitch horse.

The NEW VD

2009-01-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

I work in a pharmacy and see a lot of terrible afflictions that affect people's lives horribly. I see one affliction almost on a daily basis. It's an insideous disease that doesn't have silent carriers. It is obvious to others as to who has this disease, and those who are afflicted don't know they have it. There hasn't been any major research on this disease. And there are no support groups as that would not help the afflicted at all. No drugs can cure this disease.

Here are some of the signs and symptoms of this terrible disease.

1. afflicts at least one person you know in your life
2. alienation of friends and loved ones is common
3. it prevents them from becoming more successful at work and in their personal lives
4. they are unable to retain pertinent information
5. they usually have a companion disease that afflicts them as well (I will describe that later)
6. hearing loss or hearing problems are common with this disease

There is only one known temporary cure for this disease. I must warn you that it only works TEMPORARILY.

This temporary relief from this illness is a dirty gym sock. You simply roll the sock up into a tight ball and forcefully place it in the sufferer's mouth, this should stop the Verbal Diarrhea.

Verbal Diarrhea (VD) is a deadly disease. It is NOT contagious. Two sufferers cannot peacefully coexist in the same room at the same time as there is a high amount of competition among people with this disease. They must have the first, the middle and the last word.

A secondary illness that is usually seen with this disease is the inability to mind one's own business, or IMYOB. IMYOB presents itself as a driving need to be into everyone else's business. These subtypes find it impossible to not insert themselves into other's conversations even if they don't know anything about the topic being spoken about. They will also be very offended if they are not briefed about any conversation that is happening around them within earshot. However, they will abandon your conversation if another conversation starts up nearby. This prevents them from fully retaining or understanding what is being spoken about.

This is a terrible disease for the friends and family of the afflicted. The Verbal Diahhrea sufferer never seems to suffer, it is those around them that suffer the most usually with strains to the eardrum and bruising around the ear canal. Tinitis is a frequent complaint if the voice of the VD sufferer is high pitched.

It is also common for these people to blame others for their downfalls created by this disease. It is a state of denial that is usually permanent.

Please, if you know someone like this help society and carry a gym sock.

back to the grind...

2009-01-04T19:41:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be the first day back to school and work again. Looking forward to it. This past small amount of time off that I had was weird. I got so used to working and going to school and not having any time that when my break did come and I had a little time I didn't know what to do with myself.

I really wanted to write more with the time that I had off. Evertime that I sat down to write it seemed forced and the things that came out seemed so false and coaxed. So I just didn't. I turned my creative self to making a purse. It's really cute and really asian themed. I built it from the ground up and designed it myself. It was a fun project. I have a few more ideas. But those will have to come another time.

I'm really worried about my technical writing class. My last English class really fucked me up in the head. She would write down what she wanted. I would follow the directions as best as I could and then she would say that wasn't what she was looking for. She allowed me to rewrite everything I did. I rewrote every project two to three times. So I basically took the class 3 times over in one semester. It really sucked and now I'm scared that I'm going to have the same experience. Different teacher this time. It will be the first guy teacher I have had since high school.

Is it just me or does it seem like there are more women in the workforce than men? I have a lot of theories about that. Maybe some other time.

So going into tomorrow with excitement, first day jitters, anxiety and a small touch of confidence. I should probably make my confidence bigger to overwhelm the other feelings.

8 'o-clock and bedtime for this schoolgirl.

Good night kiddies!

The 7 list...

2008-12-31T20:34:00.000-08:00

Top 7 Things I loved about this year:

1. My husband and spending what little time I have with him
2.Seeing my little brother get married off to his woman
3.Seeing my family in MT during the wedding
4.Going to school to broaden my horizons
5.Getting enough guts to go to school
6.My classes and the interesting topics of conversations that arose in Interpersonal Communications and English Comp.
7. Having a totally non-event Christmas for the 1st time ever!

Top 7 things that I didn't like about this year:

1. My father in law passing away in March
2.My freakin' math class this summer - that sucked!
3. The drive to and from MT
4. Parts of our annual family reunion, it was weird this year...
5. Watching my husband suffer endlessly while trying again and again to quit smoking
6. Not having the time that I used to have to spend on myself and others
7. Doctor's offices and insurance nightmares

How to buy a vacuum...

2008-12-26T16:00:00.000-08:00

Step 1: Go to Sears

Step 2: Look at various vacuums, when you find one you like plug it in to the wall and vacuum their carpet for them. This will also ensure that you get a sales associate who will see if you need any help.

Step 3: Make sure the vacuum has all the onboard attachments that you want. If at any time you swear or curse the vacuum cleaner while trying out said attachments, this is not the vacuum for you. Promptly discard and start your search over.

Repeat step 3 until you find a vacuum cleaner that does not make you cuss, this is the vacuum for you. Buy it, take it home and watch how wonderfully it cleans your floors!

Thanks Hoover for sucking in a good way!

The most bestest Christmas EVER!

2008-12-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the best Christmas I have ever had. It was a total non-Christmas, non-traditional event. First we lounged around the house most of the morning and then decided to go to Safeway to get dinner. We got Ahi Tuna steaks, a potato, a sweet potato, rice and a cheesecake sampler.

We watched Harold and Kumar escape from Guantamo Bay and it sucked, but that was okay.

Then we had an awesome dinner and I got a tummy ache from eating so much. I didn't have any room for Cheesecake. So then we went to bed and now here I am going to have another glorious day without anything remotely Christmas attached to it. We will go shopping today for stuff that we want or need and cash in on all of the holiday sales.

I only had one minor breakdown this Christmas season and only needed a few valium to get me through. Usually I am in a valium stupor this time of year. Bad memories, bad feelings, bad everything. Flashbacks and night terrors. This is by no means a magical time of year for myself.

I needed this, I needed to see if this type of Christmas (a non-Christmas) would help me. It did. I feel so free, light-hearted and happy.

I did it MY way and that's how I made it though it. I'll never go back to having to think that I have to celebrate this truly horrid holiday the way everyone else celebrates it.

I wish I could tell people the real reason why I hate this time of year so much, but some things cannot be unlearned. I don't hold much to myself, I'm an open book, but some chapters are just closed. Maybe one day they will know and then they will drop it and won't feel this need to shove it in my face every year.

What makes me laugh...

2008-12-19T20:05:00.000-08:00

only my mother could be an asshole to me and then turn herself into the victim.
-Megan (my sister)

This line, right above makes me laugh. Because I know her mother and that is so totally her.

I needed a laugh, I've been much too prickly lately. So glad that I have this weekend off and I can just not worry or deal with having to work retail for at least 2 days!

I can't wait to be a nurse, I'll be at the right end of a sharp object at all times.

Oh, and here's a joke for you:

A man walks into a bar and looks at the menu, it reads turkey sandwich 5.50, grilled cheese 5.00, hand job 30.00.

The man asks the barmaid if she's the one that gives the handjobs. She said "yes."

He said, "Go wash your hands, I want a sandwich."

Random thoughts...

2008-12-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

So for the last few days we have had some major weather. Instead of me visiting snow, it came to visit me. Thankfully it went away. I now have my green green grass back.

I've been working out lately, almost every day. Cardio to keep the fat from my ass and crunches to keep my stomach tight, leg lifts to keep the spider veins away. I do all of this while watching "You Are What You Eat", a great show on BBC. It chronicles fat ass people who sit around and eat horrible junk food all day and do no excercise. And it shows them in a bathing suit, they look awful! Wretched! I'm not a fat ass and I don't even have a swimsuit 'cause I feel fat in them! Anyway, to each their own. Well, it gives me great motivation to eat good food instead of crap and to excerise so I don't wind up looking like that. Not to mention Playboy gives me motivation as well too. But I am careful to remember that these girls are much younger than I, and they have the magic of an airbrush.

I have been enjoying my time off for myself this past week. Not having to go to school is really nice. At first it was really foreign and I felt like I had to be doing a hundred other things at the same time. But now I have relaxed and eased up.

Today I am going to clean the house, at least the floors. As I'm doing my sit ups I can see under the couches and the floor is a different color than the rest of the floors because of the dust. So I went and got a few cleaning supplies last night as I was coming home from work. I like to clean when I am in the mood. Afterwards you can look over all of your work and feel like you got something done. Unlike my pharmacy job that is the job that never ends. But that's a good thing too because of the doom and gloom I hear all the time.

Yesterday I helped a customer who was surprised that his copay went up a few dollars from last month. I told him that it was likely that his formulary changed and for him to know the full extent of it he should call the 800 number on the back of his card. He left and came back about 20 minutes later with the receipt from last month to verify that his copay went up. So I called the insurance company, which he could have done himself from home, and got the answer that he needed. It didn't change his copay, but he felt better just knowing the answer. The ingredient cost of the medication had went up and that translates to a higher copay. I told him this out in the little waiting room and he leaned forward and told me that I was catching the shit end of everything that has been going on. I sat back and listened to him. About a year ago he got sick, went to the doctor and was told he had cancer. He chose to get treatment and this ended up bankrupting him. He lost his 200K dollar house, a 50K line of credit from the bank and now lives in a 700 dollar per month rental. He also told me that we are all just one doctor visit away from becoming bankrupt ourselves.

But I have to add to this that he chose to get treatment. My husband and I have both decided that should we get a diagnosis like this, depending on the severity we will not get treatment. We will live with the cancer until we die from it or something else. There's no reason to irradiate your body and go through all of that when you are in constant pain everyday. It just doesn't make sense. But that is our decision.

And the economy. All I hear is nothing but doom and gloom on the radio about the ecomony. I know it's bad, I hear about it all the time and people are really scared. But the more scared we are the more the economy is going to worsen. This downfall has a lot to do with our culture of buying things we can't afford on credit and greed. Who care's what the Jones' are doing, you don't have to keep up with them. What happened to being a trendsetter yourself, here's a great trend to start - live within your means. Always assume that one of you will lose a job. Buy the house the car and whatever else you want, but know how you are going to pay for it. If you make 50K annually and you buy a 400K dollar house, something just doesn't add up. And with so many people who have done this and the millions more who encouraged it no wonder we are in a freefall. People's spending habits have caught up with them. You can't rob Peter to pay Paul, it just makes Peter sore and nobody likes a sore Peter.

I have been kicking around the idea of starting a new blog besides this one to show my writing work. I've tried to sit down and write for the last couple of days and just can't get into it right now. I know that I will, so I want a place where you can read it if you want to. So that may be coming soon.

And finally, lets be more positive and happy about things. Keep a positive outlook on the economy, on Christmas, on the coming new year, a new presidency, new opportunities and new goals to set.

Well, I'm off to watch my show and work out before I eat a very healthy breakfast.

Why don't you listen to me?

2008-12-13T19:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom and Sister,

I have told you several times throughout the year that I don't want to celebrate Christmas. I have told you that Christmas harbors bad memories for me. I have told you to please not give me any gifts and if you must give me the gift of your time. I have told you these things over and over and still you don't hear me.

Can't you see that what you are doing is hurting me? This is not fun for me. This is not a good time for me. And this is not how I want to spend even a day. Why do you insist on having this Chirstmas? Why do you insist on shoving it upon me? Why do you want to hurt me like this?

I don't know what else to do besides withdraw from you. I love you, but you hurt me.

Please hear me, please listen to me, please.

The gift card to VS

2008-12-13T07:43:00.000-08:00

I had Thursday off and made the mistake of driving all the way to Salem to use my Victoria Secret gift card for my birthday.

They have these anorexic manequins standing around and lurking in corners. They were so thin that if they were real people just the act of walking would have broken a bone. 76 pounds is NOT a healthy weight, and for that matter you don't have any curves. Isn't that what boys like to begin with? Why are you going to parade a bunch of super skinny chicks out on a runway if they all look like pubescent boys? Where is their ass, their hips, their breasts. These are supposed to be women.

There were 4 people working in the store. 2 at the cash registers and 2 working the floor. The two working on the floor had absolutely no idea that other people were in the store. They just kept messing around with the displays. When I did ask to try a few things on it was as if I asked her to go and catch the moon for me. She marched me toward the dressing room. Thanks.

So I tried on a few things and wondered just who shopping in the store today was the cup size that seemed to be so popular. There were two choices: 36 A, or a 36 B, no C or D and no band size smaller than a 36. Um, if you didn't know already we all come in different shapes, we're not cookie cutouts.

So I looked around some more and saw that they had huge displays of frumpy looking pajamas. They looked like the stuff I already have in one of my dresser drawers. Oversize T-shirts that I commandeered from my husband over time and oversize sweat pants.

Victoria's Secret in their fashion shows never strut out with nasty looking old pajamas on. Why would they sell them in their store?

And why on earth is everything so dang expensive in there? A travel size lip gloss is not $6, and it's not a bargin to buy 2 for $12. That just means that they're still $6 a piece. Come on! Get creative with your sale.

In the end the only thing that fit me was lotion. And I must admit I do love it, but was it worth the extra drive, feeling like a freak in the dressing room, or being ignored by sales people? I think not. Give me an online gift certificate to Fredericks where they have real sizes for all different shapes and I'll be a happy girl.

Victoria the secrets out, you suck.

halfway through...

2008-12-11T08:11:00.000-08:00

the prereqs at least. It feels so good to be on the other side of all those credits.

All of my grades haven't posted yet, but so far I feel pretty good about them.

I looked online last night to see just how much my books will be for next term and was blown away by just how expensive my anatomy and physiology book would be. The textbook alone is 266.00! Holy crap! This book had better cook me dinner, clean my house and wipe my ass for 266.00! I did find one book, not the anatomy & phys, but a book for my writing class online in Idia for 11.00, brand new! The bookstore wants 86.00 for a used book. I think I'm going to be buying from India.

One more year and I will be done with prereqs and applying for the program. Which if all goes to plan I will get in the first time that I apply. I just have to keep thinking positive.

So today my plan is to relax, go shopping for new work clothes and work out a little. Hello Carmen Electra, your so good for my ass and abs and legs and arms. That girl wears me out!

I can't wait!

2008-12-09T15:54:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow morning is my Cell Biology final and I just can't wait to get it over with. I just want to be done with this term and have a small break in between so I can catch my breath. I hate this feeling of pent up unease. I know I'm going to have a hard time sleeping tonight because I will be so freaked out about getting my test done.

So far I have an excellent grade in class so I can slide a little on this final and still get an A. I don't have to get an A in this class for points, but I want the A because I've worked so hard at it.

I took my Psychology final and I think that I did pretty good on it. Much better than I did on the midterm. I really blew it on that one. I wasn't prepared in the least for it. This time I studied for days before I took the test.

I think I need a distraction right now, but I don't know what. I'm pretty confidant in all the material for Cell Bio, but I still have this little voice in the back of my head that doubts. So far I have overstudied for all of the Cell Bio tests.

Argh. Yes, Argh. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I can only read and re-read the same material so much until I just don't see it anymore. You stare and stare and read and read and then suddenly the page becomes blank. There is no writing on the page anymore, just a white sheet of paper. You look up to try and focus on something else and you can't, then you wonder if you're going blind. But you know that you aren't.

I have Thursday off and I am going to reward myself with shopping. Not fun shopping, but shopping for new work clothes. I will be working split shifts next term and will have to go to school in my work clothes. Lately I just haven't cared about what I looked like at work. So I have to go out and find some nice things that make me feel good when I wear them. I hate going anywhere and feeling yucky about how I look.

I want to do something else besides study right now!

People of Earth...

2008-12-06T18:34:00.000-08:00

Why the hell do you have to put garlic in everything?!

It's a sandwich for fuck's sake, it doesn't NEED garlic.

Just cut it out will ya? Go find some other spice, preferrably a GOOD one.

All I wanted to do was go out and have a nice sit down dinner and I got poisoned. Okay, I'll stay away, just promise me one thing...that wasn't Holy water in my glass right?

My eyes feel like their burning! Seriously!

Yeah! Problem solved!

2008-12-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

So I have this situation, and I think that I'm making it more than it really is. But it still is nagging at me. It has to do with family and Christmas.

So a few weeks ago my sister said that her and mom would be coming down for Christmas. Sister said that it would be really great, they would stay a couple of days and then Mom would be off to other members of the family for Christmas as well. That sounded really great because they hardly ever come down here, so I thought it would be a nice change. Sister hasn't been here in a while and she sounded like she wanted to come down. So all good huh?

Not so good.

I talked to Mom the night that we had came back from her house for Thanksgiving. We drove up there the day before and back the next day, each drive is 3 hours. So six hours of driving for about six to ten hours of visiting, not including sleeping. They don't understand just how hard that drive is on us. Mom says she does, but I know that she doesn't. And I don't blame her for it, she just hasn't had to deal with chronic pain issues and the effect that it takes on your daily life. It's just something she doesn't know.

When I was on the phone with her I told her that I was excited that her and Sister would be coming down for Christmas (even though I don't like the holiday I wouldn't mind spending time with them and taking them out to dinner or something). Mom didn't sound too excited about the idea. Her voice went flat and she didn't say one way or the other that she was excited, she just told me good night and that was it.

So the next time that I talked to her was a few days later. She asked me when we were planning on coming up. I told her that I didn't know and I was leaving it up to hubby to decide. I also confronted her about our last phone conversation. I was really really nice, but I also let it be known just how unfair the travel is. I told her that I could tell that she didn't want to come down for Christmas by her tone on the phone and told her that if she didn't want to come down to please not come down unless she wanted to. She told me that she didn't want us to have to go through all the trouble of putting on Christmas. (this to me means that in her mind Christmas has to be a certain way and cannot be any other way) I told her that it wouldn't be any trouble at all and it would be nice to have her down. I also eluded to the fact that not everyone's Christmas has to be the same. We could go out for Chinese and see a movie or something simple. I also told her I didn't really like Christmas and that the holiday is really stressful for me and if we didn't wind up celebrating it I was okay with that. She said she did recall me saying before that I didn't really care for Christmas. But then changed the subject to something else. Okay.

So now I feel as though I'm in a mexican stand off with Mom. She doesn't want to come down, Hubby and I don't really want to go back up because of the obvious strain that it puts on us physically. So here we are.

I think the best thing for me to do is to just not deal with it. So that is where I am with that.

Hubby is on the phone now with another Sister and just said that we're not doing Christmas! YEAH!

Problem solved!

The other side of the mountain

2008-12-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

I love that feeling of accomplishment you get from finishing a big project. I just finished my term paper for Interpersonal Communications and I am so happy to be done with it. It wasn't nearly as painful as the papers I had to write for English Composition. Those were horrible. They were over such dry and boring material that it was hard to show interest in them. That lack of interest showed through in my writing. But I did pull off a good grade in the class in the end. It was just really painful.

This paper on the other hand was interesting and fun to research. I also did a little social experiment myself to see if all the hype was real. And it was. So I really hope that I get a good grade on this one because I put a huge amount of effort into it.

Every big project is a little like climbing a mountain, and this particular project is done. I can look behind me and see the mountain that I climbed. And as far as this term goes I am dang near to the top of the mountain. I can see the peak that is finals and I have to get studying. The good thing is that I chose to write a paper for a final in my Speech class, so now I only have to study for 2 finals instead of 3.

Now I'm going to go take a break for a few minutes and then go back to studying.

I also registered for my classes today. I have so many credits that I have taken that I get to register a little ahead of other people so I get preference for classes.

I love it when things go right!

Sleep

2008-12-01T13:13:00.000-08:00

Last night was really weird. I fell asleep pretty fast, but couldn't stay asleep for very long. I kept having these feelings of intense dread and I would wake up with eyes wide open and look around my room. I kept flopping around so I decided to move it out to the couch so I wouldn't wake the hubby.

I had a really hard time falling asleep there. Although I did sleep a few times I again woke up with this feeling of dread. I had one dream where I woke up in the dream and my eyes wouldn't open. I kept trying to open them and they wouldn't open, I felt my hands poking at my eyes and still they wouldn't open. Then I saw a face and everything went really silent. I have no idea who the face was or what that dream was about. But it really freaked me out. I laid on the couch for a good couple of hours dozing here and there but feeling like I had to stay awake.

Around 3:30 to 4 I went back to the bedroom and fell asleep finally, only to have to wake up at 6:30.

So no sleep for me. My eyes feel really heavy today. I wish I could just stay home and sleep the day away to try and catch up from last nights weirdness.

If nobody else is going to do something than I will...

2008-11-29T08:07:00.000-08:00

Last night as I lay dreaming in my bed a horrible rap song entered my head and wouldn't go away. In fact it kept getting louder and louder. I hate rap and it never enters my dreams so I figured I must be awake. And surely enough I was.

A somewhat distant neighbor of mine, not directly beside or in front of me decided to come home from the bars and listen to this "great" rap song twice in a row so loud in her car as she toked up that I could hear it inside my bedroom.

So I threw on my housecoat and flip flops and met her outside.

"Hey!" I shouted at her as she got out of her car.

She kept walking like she didn't hear me, probably because she was somewhat deaf from her music and high from her joint.

"Hey, don't you walk away from me, I'm talking to you. You come back here!" I said in my big black mother voice. Yes, I have a strong black woman who resides inside of me and gives me the courage and the strength to not put up with shit.

This stopped her and she faced me.

"You can't be doing this. Everyone on this block is trying to sleep. It's two-thirty in the morning. Do you know how loud your music was in your car?"

"But I was listening to in my car!"

"I don't care where you were listening to it, you can't play music that loud at this hour in the morning. I don't want to hear it again and if I do, I'm gonna call the cops."

She gave me a little incredulous stare and then watched me walk away from her toward my house.

Listen, I was young, I liked to party too. But I was always respectful of others around me. It seems like kids these days (God, I sound old) don't give a shit about their fellow neighbor. They don't care if the music is too loud, or if they start shouting in the street at night. They don't care a damn bit, because no one else on this block ever says anything to them.

If you want to go and live on frat or sorority row then pack your shit and move. This is a residential neighborhood where people work for a living, not sponge off their mother and father while they party it up in the house that mommy and daddy bought for them.

All the other neighbors on the block are just too nice to say anything. Well, I'm a bitch and I said it!

Dear Walmart Shoppers of Long Island,

2008-11-28T19:38:00.000-08:00

I hope your proud of yourselves. I hope that you can sleep tonight knowing that you took part in killing two people so that you could get your greasy, grubby hands on some plastic shit from China at 4 in the morning. I hope that when your children unwrap their gifts they see the bloody handprints of those that died for their toys, their clothes, their shit.

Just short of putting a curse on all of your future generations in Long Island I hope you have a truly magical Christmas. May your God have mercy upon your murderous, glutonous and greedy souls.

Sleep tight tonight and try not to think of how you ripped the doors off their hinges at the Valley Stream Walmart. Try not to think about the body of the young man that you trampled over, the heels of your shoes digging into his flesh. Try not to think about his co-worker Jimmy, who witnessed his death. Don't think about how, as you trampled him he was gasping for air. You probably didn't see him anyway. You didn't see a person, you saw a store fixture, like the door you ripped off it's hinge, you ripped the heart from his mother's and his wife's chest.

Tuck yourselves in tonight and sleep soundly knowing that you trampled a pregnant woman in the same store killing her unborn child. I hope you really enjoy your DVD player, and I hope the sonogram of her dead child doesn't haunt you as you watch your new giant flat screen television.

May the spirits of the people you killed in your bargain hunt haunt you for the remainders of your lives.

Merry Christmas Fuckers.

To Mr. Tovar of Walmart,

“Our thoughts and prayers are with them and their families at this difficult time.” What a generic statement, why didn't you just say I don't give a shit? And this one, this is real nice: “The safety and security of our customers and associates is our top priority,” Is it really, because if it was, this never would have happened. You would have had all the people in a line, not a mob that busted through the doors.

I hope your company goes down in flames, I hope the victims sue and I want them to bite you like a pitbull, chomp down on your bottom line and tear it in half. That's all that you care about.

To the families affected, don't settle out of court, hang these fuckers out to dry by their balls. This is an evil corporation that sucks the life force from towns and treats their employees like expendable objects. You can tell in the statement above by Mr. Tovar that they don't care. They couldn't care less about you or your lives, it all about money to them.

http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2008/11/two_dead_in_black_friday_stamp_1.html

http://sweetness-light.com/archive/worker-trampled-to-death-at-wal-mart

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T16:38:00.000-08:00

Today has been a wonderful day. I have not done any homework, I don't have to work and my husband is home with me. We have spent the day watching television and DVDs and then we are going to make pizza for dinner. Ice cream is for dessert and beer is the beverage of choice. It has been more than I could ask for just to have some quiet time with my husband. It seems like we never get any time together anymore and this is wonderful!

Hope your Thanksgiving is awesome too!